HOT

2006-01-10T00:01:00.000+08:00

Brings about a smile.

To be kept. To bring a smile onto my face now and in the future.
I LOVE YOU.

2006-01-08T03:27:00.000+08:00

WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

WHAT A BLOODY SUPERLICIOUS SMASHING GAME!!!

First, boy scored.
Fine, luton or whatever team name scored, TWICE.

HALF-TIME.

Sinama, who seems to be sooooo useless came on, scored once.
Next, some person from the other team scored by a penalty.
THEN!, CAME THE FREAKING EXCITING PART!
Liverpool went on a scoring streak! WAH KAO!
Alonso.
Sinama AGAIN.
Then, Alonso again!

I cannot believe it either. FREAKING 5 BLOODY GOALS! HEH.

To think i nearly cried when the other team scored twice before half time... RAHHHHHHH!

I love the last goal actually, scored by Alonso. Freaking cool. HEEEEEEE!
From like super far... think beckham can move aside already larrrr.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

LIVERPOOL ROCKS.

Cisse's performance today was kinda lousy. But i still like his running. Superly fast, superly manly. HAHA.

LOVES IT. <3

*

Kor went into army today. Superly sad, :(
No one to talk to at night.
No one to watch soccer with.
RAHH!

*

But to end of the day. Nice match by liverpoooooooooooooooool. MUACKKS.
I'm in a good mood now, ask me anything, i'll give it to you. But too bad, i'm going to sleep now.

GOOD NIGHTY EVERYONE!

2006-01-03T15:03:00.000+08:00

Dedicated.

To you know who...........

2006-01-03T02:07:00.000+08:00

Worth it.

I don't think so.

2006-01-02T01:40:00.000+08:00

Bu shi chan si chan si er yi!!!
(this post may need long loading)

:DDDDDD

New found lover. LOVES IT!

LUO ZHI XIANG!!!

*

Although, there's always him in my heart.
:))
yay*

*

Oh, and here's something for those who didn't get to see the fight between Liverpool and Newcastle.

*

The very first time i watched Liverpool in action, and after, i got hooked onto him.

*

I thank you for everything. LOVE.

2005-12-30T18:21:00.000+08:00

HOLIDAYS.

What reason do i have to go out.
: it's my holiday now.
: i've put in all i could for my studies.
: i've got nothing else to do except play piano, watch tv, listen to songs, read books.
: IT'S MY DAMN FREAKING HOLIDAY!

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I so feel like screaming all these into BOTH your faces! What wrong did i do. What did i do to not deserve the rights in going out when it's my freaking holiday!

I go out for interview, come straight home. And what do i hear from you?

Ya, today you went out what.
I WENT OUT FOR AN INTERVIEW.
You still went out right?

You really push me to my limits. I'm about to break down and shoot all the profanities i know while crying. Really. Don't push me..

I'm supposed to go out tonight. You give me bloody stupid reasons just so that i won't be able to go out. I'll not go out. But the next time, i won't bloody give you anymore MIAN ZI.

Don't freaking push me.

2005-12-29T01:02:00.000+08:00

KARMA.

I'm online, waiting for my boy to appear.

I MISS YOU. I LOVE YOU.

Later on in the morning, i'll be going for an interview, which i'm terribly afraid to go for, because i've never been to an interview alone. I've never really been to anywhere alone actually.

So this starts a story today.

I, Wendyl Tan, have been depending very much on the people around me. So much so till it becomes a habit. Friends to family members. You name them, i check them off with my fingers.

I'm such a loser, you may say? YES. I can tell you, YES, i am.

Since young, i've always asked someone to accompany me down to the mama-shop opposite my block. Even when i was in Primary 6. Till secondary life, i was still the same. I needed someone to go shopping with me, to go out to walk with me(even when there's no special occasion), to go with me to see a friend...blah blah. Even for the recent event, to go for a job interview at some ulu company, i had a companion. Even when giving out presents, i had a companion. WHY? Because i couldn't remember how to go to only ONE place. How lousy right?

But i want to thank you girlfriend, for helping me although it's tiring :)

Now? Later on? I'm going to find that company myself. I tried getting help from my parents. They just told me directions i couldn't even understand. Girlfriend did too, i.... still couldn't understand actually. Haha. Sorry.

Anyways, it's really tough to try to stand on your own two feet. It's really difficult.

You know, it wasn't meant to be that way. Really.

Boy's coming on in about 2 hours time. It's so long.
I really miss you.

*You could tear it up, because i deserved it.
*You could break it, because i deserved it.
*You could continue running, because i won't chase.
*BECAUSE I DESERVED IT.

2005-12-27T18:20:00.000+08:00

I NEED THE KA-CHINGS!!!!

I'm really, seriously BROKE. I don't even have money to buy myself a new pair of jeans. How freaking cool is that? RAHHHHHHHHH!!

I need money. I need a job.

Think i'm going to be complaining hell loads till i get a job.. I REALLY NEED MONEY.

Who's willing to sponsor my spendings??? :(

I'm bored. I'm heart-brokened. I'm soooo soooooooo BROKE.

HAHA.

This post has no purpose... TSK.

2005-12-24T11:22:00.000+08:00

HEY SANTA, CAN YOU BRING ME SOMETHING GOOD?

Things would be fine, if only things could change.
Smiles :)
I LOVE YOU.

*

Sorry for not sending out my love this Christmas. But i'll be doing it after sunday. PROMISE* The Santa Claus helper(ME!) has her difficulties. But the giving out of presies will be done. SOON.

*

HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS, to EVERYONE. LOVE.

2005-12-22T02:23:00.000+08:00

Just watched mean girls. I guess, in everyone's life, there's bound to be something which would cause a screw up in your life at a particular point of time. It may be others doing things nasty to you, or you, doing awful things to others.

But in this world, i don't think there's someone who has only been a victim and not the "killer". So to clear everything, and it's Christmas, i want to do something which would maybe make me feel a little lighter.. probably.

"TO SUCK OUT ALL THE POISON"

Emotions cannot fully be described by words.
Somethings are just too complicated to be even explained.
But, everything, would come to an end, if there was a sincere sorry said. (in my opinion)

HERE GOES.

*I want to apologize to you. I never meant to hurt you. Never meant to make you cry. Never meant to make you turn out this way. But there's something i have, which would maybe let you know and remember how deep you are locked in my heart. And i want to thank you for everything. Even the most recent cloth. It's the best. You are. I LOVE YOU.

*I want to let you know that it was never the story-line you thought it was. And i know i've done things that made you angry with me, to make you think that im like a parrot. I'm sorry. Yes, i said the same thing about others, and its time that someone make me realise that whatever im saying about another, im doing the exact same thing. And, i guess, this has been in me for like soooo long. And with this, i want to thank you, although it sounds sarcastic, for helping me wake up from this bitchy thing. And thank you for the talks about everything under the sun. YOU'RE MY SUNSHINE.

*To you, maybe it may seem that i've caused your pain. I'm sorry. But i never meant anything like that. I tried to make up for my so-called wrong-doings. But i guess, it even back-fired on me. And now, im getting pin-pointed at. But im sure, what im feeling now, cannot be compared to how you felt that time. I'm sorry again. I hope you'll think twice, and do it all over again. THE ROLY-POLY.

*I'm sorry that it may seem that im saying one thing and doing another. I'm sorry if you may feel cheated. But i never, NEVER, EVER, wanted you to feel that way. I'm sorry that it's always you who have to hear my whinnings and cryings over trivial matters. I thank you too. LOVERS AND FRIENDS.

*Everytime i wake up, end my day, i'll think of everything. Smiles, laughter, tears and all. I thank you and say sorry. Actually, i never wanted to leave. You know? SWEET NOTHINGS.

*Everything in my life, i owe them to you. I know you'll never read this, or either, you'll stumble upon this. But i still want to say, YOU ARE THE BEST. Whether i'm angry or not, you are still the best. I'm sorry to show you my darkest emotions and you've always got to tolerate them. I'm sorry and i thank you for being so understanding. CLOSEST AND WARMEST.

*To all those i've hurt, I'm sorry too.

It's been a really tiring year. And it's coming to an end real soon. Memories will definitely be there. But the people who made them...

2005-12-20T02:42:00.000+08:00

Getting a job would do good.
Getting drunk would do good.
Getting loads of other mind-games would do good.

Just not that little one, etched into that small tiny corner...

2005-12-18T21:29:00.000+08:00

OKAYS!
I'M BACK!

Bought mainly stuffs for peepoos. Not much for yours truly, so pleeeeeeaaasssseeee buy something for me too? BUAHAHA. BUT BUT BUT, thinking again, don't buy lahhh. HAHA.

Stuffs that i bought there were kind of reasonable and quite cute lahh.
:)
COOLNESS eh?
Anyways, i'm looking forward to maybe, MAYBE drop by the people's houses to pass the stuff to them! :) As a so-called X'mas presie.

I'm terribly sorry if my gifts or so you may call it, junk, isn't something expensive nor B-E-A-U-TIFUL. But i like it. And i've always had the thinking of buying things for people the things that i like. ( if i don't know what they like lahh. ) HEH.

SO!

THE PHILIPPINES.
- Ate BALUT!( you know the egg which has the chick it in? in survivor and fear factor, such programmes? YEA MAN! But somehow, i feel guilty. WHAHA! Anyways, i wanted to bring back some for people to try, but mumsie said "now got birdflu, they won't allow eggs or birds in...." -.-" )
- Watched movies,DVD or on the plane (Mr and Mrs Smith(which i LIKED!), Robot, Seven Swords(something like that), Chicken Little, The Tigger Movie, Humpffelump(forgot how to spell), 40year old virgin, INITIAL D!(LOVES IT! Seriously,i cried can?), Little Manhatten, a little of skyhigh, a little of Charlie and the chocolate factory(didn't like it) )
- REFLECTED? (shall not elaborate)
- BOUGHT BOOKS! :) yay. (although i didn't buy memoirs of a geisha,i know its an old book, but i want to read it before the movie comes out!)
- Felt car sick (never felt that way for a very long time)
- BOUGHT CLOTHES! double yay.
- LAZED AROUND AT HOME SWITCHING ALTERNATELY BETWEEN MY BOOK(everyone worth knowing) and TV. :\
- Ama did facial for me. (pimples are getting worse.TSK.)
- Saw many FULLY-NAKED men on TV.
- Had not really good toilets.
- MISSED LIVERPOOL MATCHES!!

Speaking of LIVERPOOL!, i managed to catch their match against Sao Paulo, something like that i think.

I think i've never been that agitated while watching their match. 3 FREAKING TIMES! 3 BLOODY FREAKING TIMES! OFF-SIDE!! ROAR! So irritating.

Hmmm, anyone watched? Boy looked like he wanted to cry. SIGH. You know, i did too...
:(

Anways, day ended of not really good. Kind of miss ama and the rest. I wonder when i'll get back there again. So pampered, so free (kind of). Oh, and i left my ARMY singlet and FAVOURITE denim skirt there.... haiya.

Hope everyones still loving and all.
:)
CHRISTMAS IS COMING.

LOVES.

2005-12-05T23:54:00.000+08:00

MISS ME? :\

Tomorrow i'm going to Philippines! YAY. Can't wait to get out of Singapore, not that i don't like this country. But i guess, it feels really choking to stay put in one place if there's problems.

Can't wait to go shopping. Can't wait to just laze around and do nothing there, although i'm kind of doing that here already. Hmmm.. just want to get out lahh.

Luckily, there's the sports channels there. HEE HEE. Then i can watch my boy play on wednesday, against Chelsea. I have confidence that Liverpool will put up a very good fight against Chelsea. Win or no win....
I'LL STILL LOVE YOU.

Gonna shop for loads of things at phils. At least, when i come back, not many will have the same clothes as me. Heh. Or so my mum says so... :) CAN'T WAIT!

*

When you meet an obstacle, don't kneel down to it.
Instead, carry your head up high and look forward.
Things will always get better.
TRUST.

Leaving behind, WORRIES.
HOPING, work out.
Over-thinking, PLEASE.

Don't let it flow, be strong.
WENDYL WAS HERE.

*

Initially, i always thought that guys who spout vulgurities from their mouths are guys who aren't responsible and do not care about the people around them, but just themselves. THEMSELVES? They only care about wanting to be popular, wanting to be noticed, wanting to be spotted saying the "right thing". Or maybe, it's just the way they're brought up. From young, hearing their own parents cursing and swearing, they grow up and learn, following their parents' footsteps.

But after the day my dad didn't let me go to my friend's house, i realised that i was wrong about saying "guys who spout vulgurities are guys who are irresponsible and only care about themselves".

Oh, yes. And that includes girls.

"Don't argue, it'll make things worse."
"Your dad cares about you, that's why he doesn't allow."
"If i were your dad, i would stop you too."
"There'll be a next time, don't worry."

SWEET AIN'T IT? :)

I'm really glad to hear such comforting words. HAHA. What rubbish.... Anyways, I decided on my NEW YEAR RESOLUTION!!!!

HEH.

I know it's kind of early to be thinking of new year resolutions, but i want to start it off early, because i don't want to continue being the ME i am now.

Let me say, that i'm a girl no one wants to be friends with because of my attitude and temper. YEA, so it kind of gives you a gist of what i'm like now...

HMMM.. i can't really think of what to type anymore. So i'm not going to carry on.

BUT I'M FLYING OFF SOON! IN LESS THAN 24HOURS!

2005-12-04T23:45:00.000+08:00

LIVERPOOL SUCKS?
PLEEEEEAAAAASSSEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Open your eyes and look at their score sheet, PLEASE!

Man. I think im getting so crazy over the boy that i'm going crazy over his team. WHAHA. But i know that isn't the reason why people like liverpool. But i like it that way, CANNOT MEHH? I like liverpool because i like STEVEN GERRARD cannot meh?

Hmmm.. anyways. I think Crouch still suck lah. No matter how many goals he score, i still don't like him. He's like.... ERRRRR.... just weird lah. But i know many will say, "you like liverpool, should like the WHOLE team what". TRUE. But i'm this way. Don't like it? Your problem.

I think today i'm quite bitchy. I don't know why. But maybe it's because the surrounding is ever-changing. And being a human, i ADAPT to my surrounding.

Talking about bitchy, there are people i know who are quite bitchy eh? FRIENDS.. HA. You can talk about one another indirectly or directly, behind backs or straight in the face.. Yea, it's your mouth, it's your territory. None of my business right?

TWO THINGS. I don't like it when i'm included. I don't like it when you say things about my friends.

*

OKAYS. My father has been pissing me off quite a bit lately. Not that i disrespect him or anything. I DO RESPECT MY ELDERS, it's whether they treat me good or not.

Who would treat another good when the other treats them like shit? Okays, maybe some will. THEY are big-hearted people, you know. I'm not like them.

My dad didn't allow me to stay over at my friend's place. BLOODY SHIT. I wasn't feeling good then, and he had to spoil everything. BAH. Seriously, i would have exploded if there wasn't survivor on tv.

The next day, he scolded me for asking him to help me on the bloody light. WHAT THE HELL? What did i do wrong. I thought he was going out of the room, so i asked him to help me on the light. By the way, the switch is at the door opening. THUS, it is SHUN BIAN!

I think he left something in the car, which made him irritated. AND! WALAAA, scolding me for nuts. BLOODY HELL. Not enough lehh, he come up, still say me. Say my mother, my friends, my brothers think that i always ask people to do things for me!!!!!

WHAT THE @$^&*&%#%$&&*&^#$@#$$^%^^&%*#%#$%!!!!!

SERIOUSLY LAHH! I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH AN UNREASONABLE PARENT! ARGG. And he still TALKED nicely to me after scolding me, asking me whether i want to eat mango. SHIT LAH.

ARGH!

*

I didn't go for the LIME flea market in the end. WHY AH...... I was looking forward to it lahh. HMMPH- So irritating..

*

OH YES. Yesterday, i went for HIPPOTOUR (why pink lei? CUS I SAT ON THE PINK ONE!). It wasn't that all WOW lahh. But it was cool to wave at strangers, and have them wave back at you. HAHA. Coolness. But, the IJ choir for our bus, wasn't that all good. Superly soft and not at all FUN. Didn't really get the HIGH feeling. Cousie was superly bored, from his face can tell lah. Plus thinking of his GF. HEH.

*

Today hasn't been a good day. But at least i bought a levi's boxer. HAHA. Going to philippines to shop till i die, if i have someone to accompany me though. Mum says i'll get kidnapped because i'm a chinese. She says i'll have my hands chopped off.. blah blah. Scary, but sometimes, i think it's highly impossible. HMMMM. But i shall not talk so much about it lar. Scarly really happen. YOU ALL will be happy hor?

*

Could be happy without.
NOW, can't.
What to do, what to say.
TIRED, only.
Always, HEART.

*

CHEER UP BI. I know your down, but there's 6months ahead of us. It's going to be long long longggg. So... WAIT UP, and while doing that, save money for england. WHAHA!

YOU WISH*

2005-12-03T00:51:00.000+08:00

Hell of a day.

YES.
And then NO.
FREAK.
Go to hell.

You made me cry till my eyes were swollen. How could you make me put in everything, and then, when it is my time, you lock me up?
GO TO HELL.
How could you look at me with those eyes that made it seem it was my fault?
HOW COULD YOU?

I didn't. I didn't do anything wrong. And i won't apologize. I WON'T.

You screw up my life, i'll screw it up for you to see too.

This is MY house, you OBEY. What shit. GO TO HELL.

2005-12-01T04:35:00.000+08:00

JUST LIKE THAT.

The results is what you get when you don't pass to crouch. YES. Without him, Liverpool would be so much more stronger. But although it may seem he's useless. It's always good to have someone like him to fake his falls. HAH.

He makes me smile. Don't get injured. Don't start limping, because when you do, my heart tears inself into pieces..

Yellowy.. LOVES IT.

*

Make my day right. Make me smile. Make me forget all my worries, all my troubles. Let me fly up high, and let me embrace the feeling of being carefree once again...

*

Hotel.
Cab.
Jalan Kayu.
Turtle car.
Sending.
Home, sleep.

Just like that? Yeaa, just like that.

*

I came up with a name for a halfway there girl and boy.

GIRL : half way a girl, half way a woman ; GIRMAN.
BOY : half way a boy, half way a man ; BOMAN.

Cuteness.
said, RUBBISHY.

I don't want to grow up. I want to be like Wendy. I want to go to Neverland. I want HAPPY THOUGHTS. It makes me fly....

*

LIVERPOOL LIVERPOOL....

:))

LOVES THE YELLOW TODAY.

2005-11-28T02:53:00.000+08:00

THE FINALE.

May everything go smoothly,
May everyone treat nicely,
May everywhere be a home,
So warm and fuzzy.

Just one last bit, and it'll all come to an end.

THE DEAD END.

2005-11-25T00:46:00.000+08:00

I'm really breaking.

Stop talking to me about going outs, stop talking to me about romantic spots, stop talking to me about breaking ups, stop talking to me about lies....

I can't take it.... goaway.

2005-11-25T00:11:00.000+08:00

What makes you jealous?

Seeing the one you care/love with others?
Hearing things from people about what the one you care/love is doing behind your back, and when asked, does not admit?
Getting told by the one you care/love that your the most important person in his/her life, and yet, seeing that person give out his/her love/care to each and everyone he/she sees, just the way he/she does to you?

Is this what you call the big green monster? Or is it just something that tugs at your heart and cause you to ponder about that person's words and actions? Or is it YOURSELF that is over-sensitive or just, wanting to be considered "wanted"?

*

I'm so confused. How can the eyes look and seem all the same? How can the words stay so true, when what's done is so hurtful?

Please stay... Please go.....

2005-11-24T04:35:00.000+08:00

LIVERPOOL LIVERPOOL...

So scared, what if he gets injured? What if his injury acts up. So scared...

Don't, let anything happen to him. The guy who looks like school boy.

:))

HE MAKES ME SMILE.

2005-11-24T00:05:00.000+08:00

What more can i say?
How long more do you want me to feel guilty?
How long more, you tell me....

Why can't it all just happen?

I'm really at a dead end now.. I really am.
I'm tired, i've really really tried.

MAYBE, i thought. But i can't. It all just keeps coming back.

FLOODING ME, MAKING ME REMEMBER.

goaway~

Just go what you want, do what you desire, i don't mind.
Even if i do, i'll force it down my throat.
I DON'T WANT TO MIND.

*

How can you wish ALL THE BEST.
How can you say SHE SAID.
How can you say I ENTRUST HER TO YOU.

It's difficult. It really is... :(

Tomorrow. I'll try to find something.
Maybe... i'll walk. Even if my muscle gets pulled. Or cramps act up. HAHA.

FREAK.

2005-11-23T02:21:00.000+08:00

There's Man U match later on at 3.30am. Quite tired now. But somehow, just feel like coming to blog a bit.

SIGH.

I feel weird.

Read somebody's blog. About love.. She's pampered. She's given the attention. She has a boyfriend who showers her with gifts...

FREAK.

Why can't i have one?

I don't deny that i want a boyfriend who has money. WHO DOESN'T. I know i've touched this topic before, but now, i HAVE to again.
All around me, i see couples. Freaking couples. It's not that i detest couples or anything like that.

BAH.

I don't know why i'm saying all this.
I guess, i'm just tired.
I really am..

Do you know how painful it is to shoulder everything? From the hurt, the scars, and the tears inside me? The fear... It really torments me. It really does.

*

If all this is true, why aren't you crying? Or sulking? Why do i see you smiling and laughing everyday?

Do you want me to do so? Will you share my load? YOU WOULDN'T, WOULD YOU? You just want to know what's bothering me so that you can laugh behind my back and say "you deserve it." DON'T YOU?!

Fakrs

So just go away and stop asking questions!

I won't talk about it's my heart that's sulking, i don't want to show my emotions..blah blah shit.

I just don't like to share. Not anymore.

Maybe this isn't new to some, but i'm really tired, scared, whatever you name it.

Have you ever been hurt, again and again. And each time, a new one comes along, the new one will say, "don't compare me to the old one." HAVE YOU EVER EXPERIENCED THAT BEFORE?

It freaking hurts. Each time, thoughts go back to the beginning, than comes the hurt, than the breakaway. IT FREAKING HURTS!

Each and everytime i put it all out, i come back shattered.
You can say i'm wanting sympathy, i'm wanting attention.
GO TO HELL/HEAVEN. You choose, but i guess, you'll go to hell.

I DON'T WANT SYMPATHY NEITHER ATTENTION.
I just want real cares and real emotions. REAL FACES, not fake ones.

*

Don't have to understand what i'm typing out.
It's only for my reference.
It's only for me to know.

All i can say, is I AM TIRED.

Again.
that one, mixing around in the sea.
with no one to look at, no one to seek comfort in.
walking and walking.
along that long winding road...

2005-11-20T19:00:00.000+08:00

It really isn't easy.
It really isn't.

Holding on..
Stretching the limits..
It really isn't.

*

Chem/Physics MCQ's on tuesday. I don't have the mood to revise. HOW? I just want it to end fast. VERY SOON.

Once it ends, i guess, it'll be almost the end of everything. My secondary school life to almost everything of my teenage life..

*

SWOLLEN ;
Just woke up.
MOTIVATION ;
That's why...

2005-11-19T01:12:00.000+08:00

Buy for me the things i want.
I want to be pampered.

I didn't ask for much.. I just wanted to be showered with love.
I wanted real cares, i wanted real ones....
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

Now?
Buy me the things i want.
I promise to be quiet.
I want VCDs ( korean, japanese, chinese , english ) any one... i'll take it, about love, about friendships, about life... I WANT IT ALL.
I want books, touching ones, love-scene ones, thrilling ones... I WANT THEM ALL TOO.
I want clothes, lots of clothes. Branded or not. I WANT THEM ALL.
Better still, freaking money.

*

Wouldn't that be the easiest thing to shut me up? Buy me all the things i want?
HAHA.

As if, even without any of those, i'll shut myself up.
Even with love and care coming in, there'll still be room for the word "shutup".

2005-11-19T01:08:00.000+08:00

BLAMES.

I blamed for lying.
I blamed for landing up this way.

I blame MYSELF.

Because, I've been lying too.
I KNOW, I UNDERSTAND.
You don't have to rush, because i know what happened.
I know what was shown.

I feel weak now, really weak.

If it goes well, i wish...
ALL THE BEST.
Really, maybe, half-heartedly.

BUT WITH A SMILE TO BID GOODBYE.

2005-11-18T16:37:00.000+08:00

BACK.

Didn't go kite flying after all.. Wait get struck by lightning how? TSK.

*

Tomorrow, the peepoos are going to try for the XIAO YUAN SUPERSTAR. HMM.. it's gonna be a cool thing if one of them gets in. Than there'll be people voting for them.. blah blah. HOW COOL IS THAT?

But i think although alot of them say, "aiya, won't get in one lahhh. so many other good ones." Inside them, they want to get in. RIGHT? Don't lie... TSK.

But, all the same, i wish them the best on stage. DON'T FREAK OUT.

*

Went eating today. I like food. But i don't live for them, because i live on them. HAHA.

I eat good food when i find one. But when i don't.. it's fine with me. AIYA. I don't know why i'm talking about this.

Anyways, i really had fun. I really really did..

*

MIND-GAMES.
STAY.
BUT, FADE.
THAT CURVE.

it's all i ever wanted...

2005-11-17T23:23:00.000+08:00

BLISS.

Some say it's bliss. Some say it's just a moment of rekindling the longing feeling.

HAPPINESS.
SMILES.
LAUGHS.
They were.
They will.
But, not always.

*

FREAK.
What's wrong with people. I just don't get it.

YOU CAN SCOLD ME. BUT WHEN I JUST ASK FOR A STOP IN SPOUTING VULGURITIES, IT'S MY FAULT.

Thank you. VERY MUCH.

*

SIGH.

There's so many...
Just TOO MANY.

It's dropping. I'm dropping.
My expressions.
SEE IT, KNOW IT.

It's getting hard.

2005-11-16T15:31:00.000+08:00

RE-RUNS.
As always, it just keeps coming.
Never-ending, just flowing and flowing.

* If someone makes fun of you, put your head high and look back, show them that you aren't scared, you're brave. SO VERY BRAVE. Don't cry. Because you won't be able to see the rainbow and flowers and butterflies.

STRONG.

It's really so difficult to be. Really, very..

*

Tomorrow's a-maths. I'm scared. Really am scared. I was scared for my other papers, but i knew that i had put in all my effort, every single bit into my studying of other subjects. A-maths? I didn't put in that much, i kept psycho-ing myself that i'd fail, i'd fail, i'd fail.

And i guess. I really would fail.

:(

After yesterday's scene.. I thought of mine. Although i seem indifferent towards my amaths results, or even, my O level results, i really really do care. I really really really am scared of the results.

I'm afraid to think of what my future would be, a good one, or a bad one? I'm afraid to think of papa's face when i come home with a result slip that states a big F. I really am scared.

What if i can't get into any school?
What if i get thrown out of the house upon letting parents see my slip?
What if... what if......

SIGH.

I think it's because of all the re-runs that makes me feel so scared and depressed.

*

To kick the habit,
it would be so much more easier to forget.

2005-11-16T10:07:00.000+08:00

Geog was difficult. Much more difficult than i expected. SIGH. What's there more to say?

....

*

Yes, i decided. But now, it turns on me again.

CONTEMPLATING.

What should i do? Which way should i go?

*

STRONG?
It will be.
It must be.

ALWAYS.

2005-11-15T18:11:00.000+08:00

Uneasyness.
That zZzZzzz-sound.

*

SIGH.
A-maths was totally expected. Couldn't do most.

K = 3/2....
Gei Kiang.. delete the 2 for nothing. FREAK. Feel like bashing myself up. ARGH.

*

I want to turn back. I want it all back. But it feels weird. Not the same anymore. I don't know what i want. I don't know which direction to turn to... It feels like a fake, all, everything around me seems fake. It all feels like nothingness.

I want the exams to end. I don't want to go to school anymore. I can't stand the looks, the talks, everything...

*

I thought i could be strong. So very strong. Each time, i stand, everything collapses. Why come to me? Why not someone else?

SINGLEHOOD. I did it. I am in it now, but i don't feel like what other girls feel -bliss. Other girls can feel happy without a guy. I CAN TOO, i just want to see a message of care and concern, without any fake-ness or mask....

SIGH. I don't know what i'm saying actually.. I just feel so sad after this amaths paper.. I felt alright initially. But after walking, exchanges, thinking, it all goes back to being sober.

Wanting to end it all......

*

Forgive and forget. To forgive is to forget. To forget is to forgive.

Do you even think there's room to forgive/forget when all that is felt is hurt?

*

Can't i just sleep and not wake up. I don't mind not being to enjoy the holidays. I don't mind not being able to go to Bangkok (if mumsie gets tickets) . I don't mind not being about to collect ang baos next year.

I really don't.

Because i'm really tired of moving on. I'm really really tired... :(

- I hope i can find it. Because i want it to represent that zZzzZzzZzz-

2005-11-14T10:43:00.000+08:00

LIFE'S SO UNFAIR.

Don't you think so? In life, you've got to think about others. Others' happiness comes before yours.

CHARITY.
LOVE.
KINDNESS.

You've got to do it, sometimes, not even getting them back in return. So.. it'll get you ending up thinking, why do i go to such an extent to put smiles on people's faces when inside, i don't even feel happy? Why do such nice things for others when they don't even realise the importance of them to me? Why go through so much, when the others just have fun, and not even care whether or not you put in THAT much effort?

YEA. Those thoughts, it comes in every now and then. But now, it seriously comes in EVERY night.

And in the process of making some smile, others frown. SIGH. People aren't super. They've got limitations.. You can't expect them to make EVERYONE smile.. I can't either.

In the past, i thought, WHY CAN'T OTHERS JUST BE HAPPY FOR THE ONES SMILING, IT'LL BE YOUR TURN SOON.

But now, i'm seriously wrong about that. You can't be happy when that someone your seeing happy, isn't happy with you. But that person is happy, without you. You can't be happy. Not at all.

BAH.

Anyways, I don't know why i posted this up. It just came out.

*

A-maths' tomorrow. I'm really screwed.

2005-11-13T00:23:00.000+08:00

I don't know what i'm doing online at such a late hour. I've yet to master the basics of integration and relative velocity and i'm out here in front of my computer staring into this blogger thingy and playing solitaire.

I feel like crying.... Don't ask me why. I just do. Somethings making me want to buy that CD to cry all my tears out till i look like spongebob when he's dehydrated.... :(

IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE, SO DON'T LAUGH/SMILE.

Maybe it would have been a good idea to go for the BBQ. But it wouldn't have been my decision still... SIGH.

I'm really tired of everything. Hmm.. I've been saying this for like the nth time already. I should really try to change my life huh?

:
Anyways, i guess mumsie and I are on OKAY-terms again. She just borrowed money from me. TSK. Where got like that one?

I told her that the money is important.. So i need it back quite soon. She asked why. I told her to buy some stuffs. I think she must be thinking i'm stupid or something. SIGHHHHHHH.

People around me are so happy. Why can't i be like them? :(

David's coming to spore next week. He'll be coming for two days before going back to malaysia... TSK. Stupid exams. He handsome lehhh........... But anyways, he's got a gf. SO.. WHATEVER.

BAH.

I don't like people who are in love. Excluding my friends. I'm happy for them. BUT, i just don't like to see love around me....

How do you define flirting....?

It's 1.20am. I'm still online. WOW. Amazing. A-math's a goner...........

2005-11-12T09:11:00.000+08:00

Just woke up not so long ago... And it's only 9am CAN? WHY I WAKE UP LEH? Cause' i didn't go for amaths tuition. And my teacher called me. WA LAU.

It's not that i dislike her or what lahh. I like her. MY TEACHER WHAT? But i just don't like teachers calling their students up when their students don't turn up for their lessons.

OKAYS. They may be CONCERNED. But.. still.. If i don't go, means i don't want to go right?

Plus, i don't think i want to go anymore. Initially, the maths tuition was kind of fun. Got girlfriend to pick me and send me home, kind of like being pampered all the time. We'd pass by bakery at green to buy breakfast, eat lunch after tuition. IT WAS NICE.

But.. slowly as the weeks past, i began to lag behind. Everyone else could do their sums while i couldn't. Even to the extent of my teacher calling me a moron. HOW INSULTING.

I told sy i was sad and demoralised. I couldn't take those questions coming in and yet, don't know how to solve them. It's REALLY depressing can? You keep doing questions, but yet, your paper is blank. WHY BLANK LEH? Cause' don't know how to do mah?!!?!?!

Call me stupid, call me an idiot, call me a moron.
I DON'T CARE.
Say my name in front of the whole class. EMBARRESS me. I DON'T FREAKING CARE.

It really deflates your motivation to strive harder. That's why i choose to quit. I'd rather go to kor kor to help me in my maths then get "moron,stupid.. etc.." hurled in my face.

I liked my teacher. But i just don't like it when a teacher calls me up.

What's the intention? To make me feel guilty? YEA, it worked. I felt guilty. But what's done is done.

If someone were to scold me, it would be my father OR mother. Not some person out there. Especially not MY teacher..

I went to sy's tuition teacher, he kept scolding. RIGHT AT MY FACE. Scolding i can't take.

I quit and went to girlfriend's tuition centre. Teacher there was alright. She scolded, but not in my face, she would bring in the whole class and get scolded.

BUT THE REASON I COME OUT FOR TUITION IS BECAUSE MY OWN FATHER SCOLDS ME!

I don't like getting scolded. I don't like getting insults hurled in my face. I DON'T BLOODY LIKE!

And to add on, I DON'T LIKE TEACHERS CALLING ME UP!

ROAR.

Hmmm.. never mind. It's over. And she says i owe her 70bucks for last month. Shall give it to girlfriend soon. But i thought i paid already? ...... WHATEVER.

*

Sometimes, you really think whether people around you are just faking themselves up. REALLY. Sometimes so caring, sometimes so indifferent. Maybe you'll say, "You also got put up a fake face what?" Excuse me ah. Let me clarify something. When i put on a fake face, i put it on, not to let anyone know what i'm feeling. I WANT TO BE STRONG ON MY OWN. And i don't go around putting up a fake face to bullshit in front of one, and bullshit somemore in front of another. I DON'T. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THIS?

Seriously, don't you think that having two-sided you is quite difficult to maintain? Hmm.. whatever.

*

BBQ's tonight. I'm not going.

BIGG HUGEE SORRY TO PIG.

Got to study amaths. Plus, my parents.
:))

*

When you come to a point in your life where you have to make a decision, would you stay or would you go.

Would you stay, even if other parties would get upset. Or would you go, and make the other parties be happy?

Would you wants smiles or upside-down smiles?
Would you want real cares or fake ones?

*

How did i know? Didn't you realised i knew too much?

*

Okays. I'm hungry. Gonna go eat Papa's bought back carrot cake.... AGAIN.
:((

2005-11-10T12:52:00.000+08:00

I'm freaking tired now. But i'm still gonna blog. Haven't been blogging since last Christmas. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Just Joking! Christmas is coming. LOVELY. Something to rejoice about. PRESENTS.

:))

Playhouse Mickey's playing Christmas shows. Compass point is full of Christmas decos. Mos plays Christmas songs.

LOVELY OR NOT YOU TELL ME?

What if this Christmas, your alone with no one to celebrate with. Who would you invite? Who would you want to spend time with? Who would be your "TOP LIST" name?

MINE?

Jesus. Weird huh? To be blogging about him... But... i guess, after this O level examination, i've kinda grown attached to him. HAH. Just Joking.

HMMM.. shouldn't be joking about such things right? OKAYS.....

Next, my family. Although i spend Christmas with them my whole life already, family's always there for you. So cherish it ya????????? :)

SO ENLIGHTENED.

I think i'm so sleepy i'm getting high.

Following after family, is someone special in my heart. BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND? Go find out yourself.. That someone taught me many things in life. From happiness to sadness.

OKAYS!

My 10minutes is up. Gotta go shower than SLEEP. Superly tired after pia-ing like shit. SIGHS.

So scared for geog. So difficult. PEOPLE STILL SAY EASY?

SIAO AH? :(

OKAYS LAHH.. smart lahhh....

*

Hope it went well. Maybe it seems like it. But deep down. It really isn't that way... It wouldn't be shown, maybe written. Maybe NOT at all. But still.. that hope in that curve... is still very strong.......

*

Exams are stressing me out. EH. Supposed to be logging off liao right? But... zac's talking to me online. Can't go off. So just blog more.

HMMM... lemme see.

Okays. Forget it. Shall not blog about it....

SEE YOOOOOOUUU PEEPOOOOOOOOS!

2005-11-04T18:46:00.000+08:00

Think back.
Flashes of smiles and happiness.
No, you.
No, with others.
QUESTIONS.

*

My tummy's hurting badly.
ARGH.
Why must i be a girl..............

*

Exams driving me crazy.
I can't wait till next Friday.
Although it isn't the end..
I don't plan on studying Amaths.
SIGHS.

-
REASONS BEHIND EVERY ACTION.

2005-11-02T09:42:00.000+08:00

CHILDISH,

he threw.
another threw.
THREW.
whacked.
screamed.
cried.
BLOODY BASTARD.

locked.
sobbed.
thoughts flowed.

ON THE ROAD,ALONE.
NoOtherPaths.

That black thing,OHWHATCOMFORT.

*

If it's going to be that story, it will.
It's going to be done.
It's going to be easy, because i'll help.

2005-10-29T07:24:00.000+08:00

supposed to be hitting the roads now to get to maths.
BIGG SIGHS.

pictures.
innocence,kind-hearted,REALsmiles.

whtevr was done, was out of kindness.
no motive, only a goal, to see a curve appear.

*

COMPARISON.
smilarities and differences.

HOW?

2005-10-23T21:21:00.000+08:00

Seems to.
Different inside.
WHY?
Hypos.

*

Gerrard's still not playing. That's quite sad. But luckily he didn't play, cause' mumsie didn't allow me to watch since it was 12am already. SIGH. But anyways, they lost, and if i watched, i would be cursing and swearing. XYZs coming out...

*

IF ONLY...
Things would change.
Feelings would go.
People willing to start anew.

Things would be so much better, so much easier to get over.

But people do have feelings. They are mammals with good brain cells. They REMEMBER things. Things that are hurting, things that brings happiness and things that brings sadness. Or just stupid things they do in life.

IT'S EASY TO FORGIVE. BUT DIFFICULT TO FORGET.

But i guess, in life, there's no such thing as forgive. People aren't perfect.. So by saying "I FORGIVE YOU", is really something no one should be saying. There's nothing to forgive because all of us makes mistakes and even to one another.

OKAYS!

I'm spouting rubbish and blabbering on my thoughts. I shall stop here.

Life is a long road... I haven't reached the middle, and yet, i'm feeling so tired already...

SHOW ME IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

2005-10-22T15:05:00.000+08:00

"Study hard for your O's".
WHY SAY?
When nothingness comes from you.

I HATE YOU.

"K thanks" replied.

When it all comes to calmness and taking the blame. Isn't it always you? I'm the one who creates trouble and bring in all the unhappy feelings. ISN'T IT?

Then why bother about me and my exams?

Why continue to show that you somehow "care" for my future? Or maybe, my exams only?

You think it's a source of encouragement? Or a source of comfort?

IT ISN'T. It makes me feel even worse.

*

It just keeps adding on doesn't it?

Breaking down again and again.
What's to be done to stop all these endings.

It's tiring....

2005-10-22T12:18:00.000+08:00

Show that it is worth it.
Show that it brings smiles.
Show that it was the right thing.
Show that at least, for once, did the correct thing in life...

Don't mind whether it brings hurts. Don't mind whether it saddens. Don't mind it all. Go ahead and find what's wanted.

It starts with a H and ends with a S.
It starts with a smile, and blooms into something lovely and memorable.

Something that would be stuck in your mind, till you find something better to replace it.

That proves that there's no such thing as not being able to forget. You can, once you put your heart and soul into forgetting.

It wouldn't be easy, but if you try, you'll make it.

Do it, to show that what was chosen, was the right thing and best thing to do....

2005-10-21T13:10:00.000+08:00

UNFAIR.
"MINE" 's so difficult.
But it's easy for another?

Anti?
:(

So tired now.. Really tired.

2005-10-21T08:02:00.000+08:00

No such thing as best, BI.
Than why does it feel so real?
So close to heart, so piercing when it comes to mind.
So heart-warming when all thing's fine?

It 8.05 in the morning.
Sad and all..
What's there in life to make that smile?

Words and always words.
Actions said to be done but seldom carried out.

It's hard BI, maybe i should go into army. HAHA. So i can get away from all these torturing thoughts and feelings. 3 weeks away, BOTAK.

Coolness if a girl's botak. BOTAK-WANNABE.

Entertaining myself can help me feel better. THUS, such lousy thoughts.

Going to school now.

2005-10-19T18:59:00.000+08:00

FUN.
TOGETHER.
ALONE.
KICKED-OUT.
FORGOTTEN.

*

That's what it was. There for the sake of being there. Isn't it always this way? A spare tire. No matter where, how far, how close, how VERY close. It always ends up ALONE.

Abhors. No matter what. Each and everytime, thoughts and words. It goes around and around. Always in circles. But when it finally comes to a stop, everything goes blank. No words. But just LOADS OF THOUGHTS.

Promises, broken. It has to be done right?

*

Expectations.
Boyfriends.
Friends.
Bestie pals.

FOR WHAT? You tell me. It just gets you hurt EVERYTIME. Every single freaking time...

HAHA.
Why even say best, why even say good, why even say TOGETHERNESS? To get you down doesn't it?

*

Church.
The lines, he saw.
Walked away for a phone call.
Never returned.
Turned back.
Sitted down.
Felt redness from him.
:( TEARED.

Concern was felt. I wanted concern so much. Did.

But wanted it coming from someone close to my heart. Only that person who made me feel that life was worth living. That person who could show me the true meaning of fun.

PIERCED.

Strains of red came to surface. Blinked away.

" It can never go back to what it was... NEVER. "

There's so many reasons to why it won't. And it hurts to know that, worse, not to be able to share it.

IT HURTS NO MATTER WHAT.

2005-10-17T18:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it hurts to think what's going on.

Wanted.
Around.
But,
Weren't.

Don't want to think, that's why it's out. Or either cooped.

Please, no shots. Because it's hurting.

Was it right to do?
Mixed-up.

Abhors.

2005-10-17T11:38:00.000+08:00

Unreasonable.
Try reasonable.
Shot down.
Bled.
Flew away.

Came back.
Wiped away.
Stood.
Think back.
TEARS.

*

I feel cold inside. I read, and i cry. WHY? There's always that twinge. That knife. I don't know what to feel. Blue or Pink. I'd rather pink. But all i get, is emptiness.

WORDS.
Always said, but seldom done.
WHY do i listen each and everytime?
I listen, I fall, I pick up the pieces.

But life isn't all about "I". Isn't it?
It's about ME and YOU.
THE WORLD.
Making hurt, sad, frustrations, tears.

*

He found out about the lines.
Thinking RED.
:(

MY only ONE.

2005-10-13T21:36:00.000+08:00

AVA.
Message.
LOOKED UP.

The scar's there. It won't ever go away...

Consulted mumsie. Told her how i felt today. Broke down in front of mumsie, which was quite shocking for her cause' i never really cried and poured my problems out to her. But i was glad i did. I felt so choked. So pressured...

Take things one at a time, but i can't. I've got to make a decision now. Because it'll affect the people around me. Or maybe, myself only..

But it's really pressurising. And i can't breathe at all.

Another chance said mumsie.
I shrugged my shoulders...

That's how deep the cut was. Not like any others..

-

I saw someone red-eyes today. I wanted so much to go up and give my support, but each and everytime i try to make things right, things go SOOOO wrong.

Ever since i stepped into Secondary school. Ever since then..... :(

It hurts. Seriously. Never in my life had i cried so hard and long before, only until my Secondary life began... It then all started...

I want my life back. I want to laugh, smile and play without having to think of anything. I just want fun in my life. I don't mind studying if i could go back to who i really was...

No faked-face.
No hidings.
ALL THE TRUTH.

:(

-

I want to learn to play jie kou on the piano. I want to play that song because it takes away my pain..

Lines of red,physical pain. How about emotional pain?

2005-10-11T14:04:00.000+08:00

Drawings.
Flows.

Looks.
FADEd.

2005-10-04T15:10:00.000+08:00

Pouring.
Wished.

Line of red.

River of warmth.
Kept on... kept on...

Walked.
Brushing.
Cuddle?

2005-10-03T21:53:00.000+08:00

Repetition.
Don't.
GONE?

Don't understand.
Won't know.
NEVER ever will.

Enough.
The fall.

Dark surrounds the light.
Standing.
Flowing.

2005-10-02T16:24:00.000+08:00

I said i would help. I said i would be there. Just so that you can keep your mind free from stressful thoughts and maybe loosen your grip...

But it seems so difficult. I can't. I really want to give up and tell you that i can't help anymore. I can't stand alone anymore to hold on to the one i've promised to help stand too...

:(

I really can't. But what can i do but blame myself?
If it wasn't for me, the whole thing wouldn't have started. If it weren't for me, i wouldn't be telling you i'll help and pull the other up too.. If it weren't for my big mouth, all these wouldn't even take place..

Promises are not meant to be broken..

I hate people breaking promises. That's why i can't back out and tell you i'm sorry, i can't do it anymore. I can't tell you, you've got to take care of everything on your own because i gave you my word to help..

:(

It's tough when i can't even see or say my piece.. It's really tough.

Each day, i break down. Every day i tear. Even when i bloody type out this freaking post, i cry.

What's the point of hiding my feelings?
What's the point of being "strong"?

I can't be strong all the time you know? I've got feelings too.. I can stand alone if i want to. But i know, that i had someone behind to hold my back if i fall.. but that was in the past..

Initially, i wanted to weld it all back. But then, each and everytime i decide to make things better. To get there, things screws up.

There's no point saying what's done. There's no point pointing fingers at another and saying "it's all your fault."

It takes two hands to clap. It's my fault too. And what i think, i make a very huge part in that fault.

I may start to hate. But most of all, i hate myself the most....

I can't stand on my own now. I need rest. I will help if i can. My promise remains. But it's really hard... You've got to help me too....

*

My blog has been some kind of shell to me. Where i can pour out my feelings and write what i want. But sometimes, things hold me back when i want to press the "publish" button. People too.

Why is the world full of consideration?

I need to consider whether my post would hurt anyone.. consider whether my post is too harsh or revealing.

I want to publish what i want. I want to publish my inner most thoughts..
But a blog is something everyone can see. That is if you get my address.
So.. I've got to make do with it. Or maybe, you can say sayonara to me. :)

*

I am the clay. You are the potter.
Don't give up on me when i'm at my weakest point.

There'll only be one pair of footstep at the beach,
because you'll be carrying me when i fall.

Trust is a fragile thing.
Please don't break it cus' i don't know how to mend it back....

*
The author's feeling very dumb now. Please don't say anything to cause her to go into a deeper depression.. Or worse, may even cause her to bleed.
HAHA.

2005-10-01T17:46:00.000+08:00

It's reached.
No more.

No open mouthed.
No loud noises.

Serenity.

Within it all..

Between, yes.
In front, no.

That's what.
:)
Sorted.
Concluded. ( maybe )

*

It comes back.
RIGHT AT ME.

HOOray.

Nothing much..
NUMBd?
Nahs.
Just, used to.

HAHA.

BUSHY.

2005-09-30T15:50:00.000+08:00

Mistake ; was thought, was made.
But it turns.
No Mistake.
True.

Abhors.
WHY?
Can't turn.
NEVER, ever...

2005-09-29T18:59:00.000+08:00

OH MY GOSH!
I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. HAHAHAHA!

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2005-09-26-one-tree-split_x.htm

Chad and Sophia are separating.
I know this doesn't really concern me, cus' i'm like millions of miles away from chad. But! I STILL LOVE HIM.

:)

yay*

Superly shocked. Now i can watch my One Tree Hill in peace, knowing that they're not REALLY together anymore.

LOVELY.

HARRY POTTER. New trailer.
Coolness!

http://raincloud.warnerbros.com/wbmovies/harrypotter/trailer_300.asx

The buffering's a little slow for my comp. Don't know about others. MUST SEE AH.

:)

HEE HEE.

2005-09-28T21:13:00.000+08:00

It's really hard.
Really hard to smile and be happy.
Really hard to do what i told.

It's really hard....

:(

It always have to be hidden.
Even when things are fine, it'll all be covered with a transparent cloth.

WHY?

2005-09-28T15:01:00.000+08:00

A sign.
A chance.

Yet again..
Tried to, brushed away.

No blames.
Hidden.
No blames.

Thoughts that winds around mind.
GO AHEAD.
"OVERTAKING"
GO AHEAD.
Just run.
And don't turn back.. anymore...

EXCUSE - tears, memories.

2005-09-27T22:49:00.000+08:00

Said here.
Thought elsewhere.
Don't want the world to know anymre.

IM TIRED.

Tried to help.
SMSd . CALLd .

Maybe it'll all turn for the better. The other party. Not for here.

Don't get it? Don't bother finding out..

GRACIOUSNESS. It is the thang--

2005-09-27T22:34:00.000+08:00

Choked throat.
Speaked.
Teared.
Hopeful.

It changes.
I hope...

Don't spill it.
Don't want it out.

CHOKED- ran. hid. flu.

Mistake.
RED.

*

GF bought apple pie.
Sweetness ; PAMPERED.
:)

2005-09-25T15:27:00.000+08:00

Shoutings.
Papers.
ARGH.

So pissing.

Feel like screaming.
Too bad.
Older ; Younger.

BUSHY.

*

Tired of everything.
Leaving out of everything.

Outs.
Callings.

TSK.

Hippos.

*

one month left to go for O's. So near.. So very near. Can't time stop to let me finish every single thing i want to learn? I can't absorb anything now. I just feel like resting and not doing anything after the prelims. ALL BECAUSE OF STUPID PRELIMS' FAULT.

UGH.

Now how you tell me? While doing maths just now, kept lying down cause i felt so warm. Like got fever like that...

TSK.

No mood to do anything. Even when mumsie talked to me, felt like just asking her to keep quiet. I really don't have anything more to say nor any mood to do anything... SIGHS*

STUPID PRELIMS.

2005-09-23T14:16:00.000+08:00

Hears.
Flows.
Recall.

I WNT!

*

Walking down memory lane.
Full of happiness and pain.
But still...

LOVES IT.

*

Found out i passed my amaths paper 2.
Guess how much.

:)

Big Joke.
40/80

BUSHY.

B got 74/80
Crazy person.
Even Mr Pang was super amazed.
HIGHEST LEYS.

:)

Super happy for B.

*

I hope it goes the same.
I hope it won't bring down.
No sadness, No pain.
Plain happiness.

:)

REALLY.

2005-09-23T13:59:00.000+08:00

Today's Lorr's burfday.
Those who haven't wished her, ought to be shot.
She gave lollies.
:DD

She owes me two more.

67*, you heard me????
:)
YOU OWE ME TWO TOO.
So don't hide from me.
NANANANANANANA--

Kind of simple.
Hope LORR still likes it though.
I know you'll read this post lorr,
So this post goes out to you.
:)

*

Happy burfday to the girl that turns 17.
It'll be smashing till you grow out of teen.

Wherever you may be,
Wherever you may go,
May he be with you till you grow old.

:DD

HEEHEE!
Love it?

I LOVE YOU LORR LAU.

LOVES-

2005-09-22T21:50:00.000+08:00

Never did it ever happen.

Words can't be taken back.
Blame myself.
Only because of me, this happened.

I never considered, I never cared.
It was me, me, me.
Found out, that's it.

It doesn't matter.

I'm strong, i will not fall.

:)

*

Went through superstar's website.
Fell in love with junyang's singing. :)
Jiang nan and jie kou.

OMG!

:DD

I want to go for the concert..
But i know i can't.
No money, parents consent..

SIGHS*

Plus O's...

TSK.

*

Went tampines to see Ms Ju, my piano teacher.
Baby's super cute.

:)

I love babies.
But i'm getting to get irritated with my sister.
Oh-so-cute but really naughty..
ARGH.

After visiting, went to tampines mall.
Bought jeans- square cut.
Wanted to buy sling bag.
Freaking 90bucks.
Sadden but didn't want mumsie to buy.
Super ex.

Shall save own money to buy then.
:)

I've listed out things i wanna buy after O's.
Or maybe also during O's.
:DD

Sling bag
Creative (neon) mp3
Beach bag
Bikini from ROXY
Racer backs from surfbrands
Shoes
Millions of plastic ear studs
Skirts
3-Quarts

COOLNESS RIGHT?
Buy what shit...

I WANT MONEY!

2005-09-21T19:14:00.000+08:00

SATISFACTION.
PAPERS.
BUSHY.

Tried to,
Heard and saw.
:)
It proves wrong.
Gonna go...

*

Nothing more to say afterall...
It's coming to the end of prelims, just one more day.
GEOG AND SCIENCE.
But there's O's.

Scared. Worried. Anxious. Frustrated.

Bloggy-
Only source of comfort and hiding.
LOVEs.
Moving..
LOVES IT STILL.

*

One tree hill rocks. Simply LOVES chad micheal. HEE HEE. Such a hottie.

:DD

Wanna date him also cannot. He's at the other side of the world and he has a wife. How great is that? HEH.

I WANT SOMEONE WHO'LL LOVE ME!!!!
I seriously mean it man. I'm not joking. I want a boyfriend. I want someone who'll pamper me and bring me out on a shopping spree. Where i can spend like hell and still not get my boyfriend broke. But obviously, i know my limits LAHH.

:)

Who's willing huh? Raise up your hand.

My conditions? HEH. Simple.
SEXLESS.

:)

Coolness right?

HAHA. Just Joking. But i'm really serious in wanting a rich boyfriend. I WANT I WANT I WANT!

I don't care whether people see me as a materialistic girl or not. But you tell me, is it WISE to spend a life with a man, who's poor? Okays, you may want to because you love him. But don't tell me that crap about "Oh, i'm willing to even eat bread and drink water every single day of my life, just so we could be together..."

Don't give me that shit. MAYBE, i said maybe, there are some out there like that. Good for them. But not for me.

I want a man who can give me secure-ness. I'm a darn filthy possessive girl, woman by then. So obviously, if he goes clubbing everyday, HE'S OUT. Unless he brings me lahh. :) WEEHEE~

I want him to be able to understand me, whether i'm upset, jealous, angry or just simply tired.. I want my man to know me through and through. But i don't want him to be perfect. No one's ever perfect. Except for him above.

:)

I just want him to care. Not by words only, but by actions. It'll help loads more to make me feel secure.

BLAHS.

I don't know why i'm talking about this. But.. a summary of my ideal husband. HEH.

Or maybe, i don't think i'll have a husband. Maybe it'll be due to my pimples or whatever reasons..

BUT!
Maybe by then, i'll want to be a super-career woman.

:)

WAHAOW!

It'll be like really cool lahh. HEH. I can spend all i want, without thinking about other's pockets, but my own.

I DON'T HAVE TO CARE ABOUT OTHERS. I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THEIR INSULTS ON WANTING A MAN WHO'S RICH.

Nani Nani Boo Boo!

*

I'm bored and tired. I want to go to the beach to watch the sunset.

I miss the sunset. The view of the sun setting. Although it may be depressing. But that's how it is inside. Depressing on the inside, as well as the outside.

MATCHES PERFECTLY.

:)

Oh well~ it's bothersome.

*

It seems kind of weird. Never in my whole time blogging did it happen before. NEVER. Seriously.

TSK.

Confusing, yet amusing.

*

YAY*
JJ.
LOVES.

*

By the way, i'm not desperate for a boyfriend in case this post gives any wrong ideas.

:)

I just need a hug and a shoulder to lean on.. That's all.

2005-09-20T12:03:00.000+08:00

There's that point of time when you feel that you've got to give up.
There's that point of time when you feel there's nothing more to life.

But do you think that point will EVER go away?
Do you think by giving up, that point of time would go away?

I've been doing some thinking.
Words said; Can never be taken back.
That's it.

All you have to do is stand up, brush dirt off, carry your head high, and not look back.

All the shows i've watched teaches me to pick myself up when i fall. No matter how small to big the fall is. NO MATTER WHAT.

Time heals everything. SLOWLY..

*

It's been sucky.
They've put in effort in making it work out. At least, i don't have the rights to get pissed or whatever because i didn't help plan at all.. But seriously, if you were me, you would.

Yeaa~ it's that big day. But so what? PEOPLE DO HAVE FEELINGS TOO. Okays, maybe i don't because i don't want to have feelings. BUT THE REST WHO PLANNED PUT IN THEIR ALL EFFORTS. At least, at the very least, show some appreciation.. It's the examination period. What more?

I felt so pissed. And i'm glad i had that ride home, it really took some frustrations off me. ARGH.

If spoiling that day isn't a big deal, why put in that much, why make it a big deal?

FOR WHAT, you tell me.

*

Things are left unshown.
It's here, but not here.

2005-09-19T14:33:00.000+08:00

There's the little twinge inside.
ALWYS. Whenever the eyes move through the page.
Twinge of sadness and bitterness- filled up to the brim.

You wanna let go; but yet wanna cling on.
It's hard to make that decision.

* When you feel it's the end where everything has to stop, what would you do?
* NEVER. Nothing. NEVER.

Good show.

No matter what, don't let go.
It comes easily, but don't let it go too easily.
It's hard to maintain, but don't let go.
It's hard to believe once trust is broken, but don't let go.
It's hard to accept what comes, but don't let go.

That show teaches people not to let go, despite all the differences and obstacles.

COOLNESS.

It makes thinking come back in action; round and round and round..

* The world of you and me; but how can it be you and me, when there's everybody?

Thought of the trees like forests. Those dark gleaming eyes in between the bushes. The only person who can make everything go so right. WHERE?

Thought of.
Wanted to.
Backed off.

The ups and downs of the sea of love-- The person who can make you feel that eventhough your afraid, you'll still live and not be afraid.

Secure-ness.

Can it be given?
If not, don't come.

SDB told me he'd show the passage of our chinese prelim to his mum. Show her how good the mum was in the passage. Teacher call only, mum went down to school to sign the documents to take her daughter out of school.

Different people has different thinking but similar ones. True.
It's just like brown and black- similar, yet different.

Why?

WRONGED.

SEEN, yet BELIEVED.

It's thrown, it can't be taken in again...

2005-09-19T13:16:00.000+08:00

Why can't dreams come true?

*

I've got inspiration on getting for that day.
FOOTWEAR.
For both.

:)

coolness.

-

Chemistry paper was alright. Many didn't know. But think still can make it a pass. I HOPE~ Tomorrow's physics. Confirm going to die lahhh. Without fail. TSK. Wanted so much to.. But couldn't. Not because i didn't want, but it just that it went away...

-

HARRY POTTER'S COMING SOON!

Even on MSN also show the picture already. OMG. I seriously am going to go watch once O's are done. SERIOUSLY.

:DD

*yay

-

Don't you hate people who tries to rub things in?

Yupp. I do. YAY*

2005-09-17T00:20:00.000+08:00

SCARED

nearly, felt so cold.
what if?
wld a chase be given?
wld it be like nothing happened.

so very scared...

WHAT IF.........

*
All's left unsaid.
Where to start?
Where's the point of start?
It's gone.
Couldn't find that string to pull it back to safety.

BUSHY.

2005-09-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

Walked and walked.
Ached, did not stop.
Slippers for own;
Shirt for cous.

NUM;
Saw Kym Ng and Bryan Wong in that YUAN LAI JIU SHI NI 2.
coolness.
Thought of you.
Cameras, Lights - Your dream life
ha.

For happiness.
Bottom line.

*

Never in my life did i have stains on my cheeks for so long. Never in my life did i walk down the busy streets and let flow. How fickle life is.. Too unpredictable to know or foresee what happens.

2005-09-16T14:56:00.000+08:00

Tears flowing from the other side.
It flows on this end too.
But it's hidden...

Never blurted notices.
Never let the obvious known.

But it's different on the other side.

Nothing more comes out.
Nothing...

ALONE.
Alone's accompanying later.
I'll show the real alone...

2005-09-16T13:47:00.000+08:00

At break,
Running, Chasing, Smiles, Laughs.
GU LING LING.
Nope yet another time.

Today, for Chinese compo i wrote about Superteens. Fun, filled with happiness.

LOVE YOURSELF.

This was the "theme" for me compo.

Droplets of water flooded,
When writing my thoughts out.
Looked to the north-east.
Ball of black and beige on the table.

Yes, I've read. I didn't want to. Because i knew i would see those words and excuses i found for myself even before it could be revealed.

"Study together;learn and teach"
"Go out,for studies"
"To prove you wrong"

Yes. This were the thoughts in my head when i found out. Exact same thing when i went in. How true and exact can things get?

Smiling, laughters, fun, happiness.. They may be there. But it's your heart that matters. Isn't it?

I don't deny i don't laugh and smile. But at least i don't say ALONE.

Words became nothing important. Actions took over. And now, it's so very true. Actions tell you so much. Words...? They're just a bag of lies.

There's so much to say, but i just don't know where to start. For it'll all be pushed back to me. With those words " Where art thou " coming from people... And those stares, looks, and words in their eyes, "What have you done"...

-

How could things go back to what they were in the past. Trust. To me, it's built on a swinging bridge. Once it drops, it's gone.

Went down, picked up the broken pieces, glued them back. Now? It's broken again. Never given a chance? I did. Thought never right?

All the while, i thought of excuses for myself. I never went to ask or question. I know that the answer would be the same as my thoughts. And bingo. It's finally proven again.

-

Maybe i'm a BI. Haha. Why do i see blue? Why do i see green? Why do i even see red?

-

Just want to let it drop.
Just want to let it stop.
Just let it all flow out and stop right there and then.

Eversobadly.
I see, I hear..
I've feelings.

Many sees.
It hard to describe.
It'll be known soon.
Through that very hot letter..

*

The obvious mixing around the oblivious.
The mingling around the concretes.
Drowned by the sounds of the urban city.
Hope it all goes away...

2005-09-15T15:59:00.000+08:00

Maths paper..

SIGHS*

I totally feel like killing myself. I'm such a letdown. I left almost the whole paper blank. Even GRAPHS. I couldn't do. What's wrong?

I don't know either.

There's so much blur images surrounding my mind. Asked me, "Do you still like him?" I said no. Which was partially true. I don't want to be lost in the past anymore. I don't want to be that girl who thinks about someone who doesn't even care about her.

Right. I said i would love.. But how do you expect me to love when all that love doesn't get appreciated.

I WILL LOVE, give me time. It's hard to pull myself up, so alone, so... depressed.

Yesterday, while i was eating my dinner, (heng parents not in..) i started crying. Also partly because of bigger bro, he didn't let me drink his COLD coke. But that wasn't the reason why i cried.

I just... cried.

:(

It feels so weird. So empty. Last time i would be messaging. Having the time of my life. But now, it's emptiness. You just want to get over things, but yet the things are stucked in your mind.

WHY????

I don't wish for life to be perfect. But somehow, if it was perfect, i wouldn't be in this state.

But it all comes down to me too right? My attitude to my everything. My actions and words..

COMPLICATED WORLD;

I just wish for Prelims to be over. At least i can take that "break" to go to the beach or something. I really need the beach right now.

I want to feel the soft sand in my toes. I want the waves to swish up to my feet. I want to feel that the air embraces me..

:(

I want it so badly...

*

The week's ending. A new week's starting. I'm happy it's the end of the week. But soon there'll be the new week.

I'm so pessimistic. HAH.

:)

Whatever. It's gonna rain soon. The winds are blowing. Thunders and lightnings surrounding the atmosphere. Humidity gone down. --YAY*

I love the rain. I want to cry in the rain--so that no one would know i'm crying. The rain will soak my tears up and carry me to the river, i mean long kang beside my house.

Aren't i wonderful. You can love me you know. I'll be good. Then i'll be nasty. That's the way it is now. I don't know why. I can tear and then smile again.

OHSOCUTE. :DD

But then again. I wish i was under the rain..
TAKE THAT HINT.

*

I think i'm really guai. :) Told Mr Pang just now that i'll go look for him after chinese paper tomorrow. FOR WHAT?

For a-maths.

Fee says i'm a geek. But i'm not what. I just study because it's the exams. But she says i'm one because i don't even know what show there is on TV.

WHO SAYS?

I watch my chinese show every wednesday to friday at 10pm on channel U what? Not cool meh? HMMPH. She's just jealous because i get to study and she don't. Plus she's just jealous that she's always got to do her art, not studies, and yet, go to sleep at 4am.

HAH.

ORBI ORBI QUACK QUACK...

*

Today after school, everyone left already. So after finding chui dip, me and bytch went to houg mall the outside stores.

ATE THAT PANCAKE THINGY. :) Kinda nice. But i felt like puking. So didn't eat much. Bytch ate chicken wings. Cool stuffs.

Had to buy pao pao cha for the store person. Realised bytch's memory darn good lahh. SUPER GOOD LAHH.. Bytch could remember what the person ordered, but then i couldn't. WOOTS. Anyways, we were saying that we were GOOD people. The store person just gave us 4bucks and told us to help him buy, but he said he'll TREAT us next time. HAH. Got to note this down on a IOU slip. Anyways, we said we were good cause we could have just taken the money and run away. But obviously we didn't. Cause we're good people. HEH.

:DD

Anyways, saw two teenagers. Crazy people lahh. Spore so hot, still wear like in America's winter like that. SIAO BOH?

*

I want to go back to being a Primary school kid. Being a kid meant that you could have a carefree life. Never do homework, panick, wake up in the middle of the night, do finish, go back sleep, wake up, go school, never pay attention in school, come home sleep, wake up, do some homwork and assessments parents give... AND STILL CAN PASS EXAMS!

Amazing or what? TSK. Now?

I dare secondary people who are in those normal express classes to do just that for their sec 3 and 4 year. I BET THEY'LL FLUNK.

TSK.

See the difference? Oh ya. I don't know why i'm typing so much. But i just don't feel like studying. I'm tired. I'm sleepy. And i've got 2 hours of chinese tuition later on. So good luck to me and good bye to you.

HAHA! Just kidding. Still got more to whine about.

So, as i was saying. Being in Primary school super fun lahh.

"I don't friend you..."

After a few days.....

"Eh.. Let's go play catching leh!"

-

In secondary school leh?

"I hate you and i don't want to ever see you again.."

WASEH. Really one leh.

"Come here for what? I told you i don't want to see you what."

-

In secondary school, you can't take back your words. The words are kept. The words leave scars inside. In primary school, it's just words. Words that would go away and not be kept or remembered. That's the difference.

I don't want to feel anything other than being happy and carefree. I don't want anything more.. Is that too much to ask for? I don't want problems arising when i just want a simple life.

Yes. I'm materialistic. But i control my budgets (at times) too what? I know when to stop and when i can spend. I'm not a girl who wants my boyfriend to buy like many many expensive things.

What did he do for me on our one year.. He made a card. The card had two hearts on it. And what were the hearts made from? Ciggy paper. You know the aluminium thingy wrapping the ciggies. Yes. He took that out from his ciggy case and made it in to the hearts. Sweet ain't it.

I don't expect cards from BLOOMINGTONS or those "high-class" card shops. I want a simple life. But how come i don't see anyone loving me?

BLAH.

Okays. I know. My pimples right? But it's a natural thing what.....

-.-"

Hmmph. Whatever.

You don't want love me, i don't care either.
NANI NANI BOO BOO.

Friends? I also want simple friends. I just don't want to have friends who lies or betrays. I like friends who'll keep me company when i'm bored. Or just be there for me to cry or lean on. I want friends who'll comfort me and let me know they'll be there for me through their actions..

My family? I just want my little bro to be more un-irritating and listen more to what i say instead of scolding me "siao" or shouting back at me although i'm right. I wish for my older brother to be more like those yandao guys, so that at least when i go back home, i've got a yandao waiting. HAH. But that can never happen lahh. Tell my brother to go makeover. Mumsie even said she'll pay. But he didn't want. Can't be bothered he says.

I just want my family to be happy and healthy. My dad to be less tempemental.. Mumsie to be less "with that stressed face". And for kong kong to be healthier.. That's all.

For myself? I just wish for myself to die faster. HAH! Won't that be great? There's so much more to life, people says. Is there?

Is there anything more to live on? There's always hatred, jealousy, angry feelings. All around me. Even in me. Except for hatred. I don't hate people. I just want to strangle them. HAHA. Just joking.

Is there anything to live for?

If there is, prove me wrong. E-mail me ( muackz_n_hugz@hotmail.com - yes i know it's a childish e-mail. I made it in Primary school can? ) . Sms me or Call me ( Do you think i'll put my number up? HA. )

I want people to prove me wrong. I want people to make me think there's more to life. And maybe i'll consider pulling myself up from the grave i digged for myself........

I've got feelings. I miss you too. But it's different in every way already. Nothing will make things better.
Nothing...

2005-09-14T15:15:00.000+08:00

Give and not expect returns;

How true is this? VERY TRUE. From now onwards, i shall put away all my green thoughts, red thoughts, blue thoughts... EVERYTHING, and just give out my love and care to people around me. ( although i know i won't, sometimes )

:)

I don't want to be grouchy, neither to i want to sulk all day long. Or cry at night. Okays, i MAY cry at night.

But it doesn't matter anymore. I just want to renew myself. WOW!

It does matter when people lie. It does matter when people say things which are so not true, and to make it even worse, i know EVERYTHING ( okay, maybe not everything. But enough to make me start ). And yet, they still continue to talk and talk, making up even more lies.

I watched One Tree Hill. The family had all along been deceiving each and everyone with lies. From mother to father. From mother and son to father. And blah blah. Even better, THE WHOLE FAMILY LINE CONTINUES THE LIE!

I don't want to make myself upset over lies. I don't want to hear rebuts when i know that it's all a lie. I don't want to...

Friends will be friends.
No matter whether Best friends or not, everyone are friends right?

:)

So i shall not have anyone who's my "best/close" friend. But there will be name callings.

*

Dolphin hurt me badly. I took it badly, i admit. I treated dolphin badly. I'm sorry. I scolded, i accused. Dolphin said dolphin took it all in silently. I'm sorry. But what's done is done. Dolphin hurt me, and i hurt dolphin.

There won't be anymore than friends between dolphin and I. Dolphin said dolphin will be ALONE. Does dolphin actually know what ALONE means? I feel so cheated. So.. lied to.

ALONE- but yet, i know what dolphin does. I didn't go around asking the sea, but the sea told me. Going outs, going outs and more going outs. ALONE? I don't think so.

I've told dolphin before already, when i've got evidence, i'll start accusing. But i guess, that didn't go in. I don't want to be angry at dolphin. But sometimes, thinking about what dolphin says, it just makes me feel so ARGH.

I've told dolphin what i felt. I told dolphin what happened to me. But dolphin just said "no. no. nothing's wrong. no one blames." Dolphin's always this way. It's ME. It's not dolphin. How can dolphin even understand?

I do want things to go back. But i don't think i want it anymore. Sometimes, i just think it's all lies. Dolphin said dolphin didn't want me thinking dolphin's a liar. But if dolphin would just put dolphin's self in my shoes, dolphin would maybe understand why i think dolphin is. I didn't go all out to make my mind set that dolphin's a liar. It really didn't occur tome. But soon, it all came to light.

Actions
Words
Totally different.

I enjoyed my times with dolphin.

And i do keep them.

But i don't want anymore lies. Anymore green. Anymore red. Just NORMAL.

It twitches.
It hurts.
Felt it.
Hate it.
Losing it.
Gain it back,
Lets go.

2005-09-12T19:50:00.000+08:00

#$^%&*@!

I am SOOOO pissed. And upset...

My effort in studying so freaking hard for geog paper.. totally went down the drain a few minutes ago.

:(

I was searching for my SS file which was stuffed under many other files in my old, rusty metal holder... TSK. I found in after quite a while and started to pack the other files in.

GUESS WHAT. MY thumb totally SCRAPED the metal thingy sticking out. FREAK! And there was a big hole in my thumb. LITERALLY A BIG HOLE WITH THE SKIN STICKING OUT!

HELL SHIT. WHAT IS THIS MAN?

HOW TO WRITE YOU TELL ME?

:(

Gone... Gone.... gone.........

I'm depressed. Go Away.

2005-09-09T13:10:00.000+08:00

Do you ever feel that you've lost everything in life?
The passion to live on..
The motivation to make people's day..
Have you ever felt as if the world's being superly unfair to you and only you?
Has it ever occurred to you that it'll all turn back and be good once again?

I can tell you two words...

"DREAM ON!"

2005-09-09T01:06:00.000+08:00

MY PERFECT DREAM :
TO BE A STAR ; shining ever-so-brightly in the night sky.

To be happy, you've just got to throw your head back and laugh.
To be sad, that's easy... JUST CRY.
To be excited, you just need to jump up and down. SIMPLY, just act crazily.
To be worried, you just have to make your voice go really high and have that :O expression on your face.

I've learnt all these feelings by hard.

Chinese teacher said that i'm the kind of girl who shows my emotions clearly on my facial expressions. She's only been with me for 2years. And yet, she really knows me. Not entirely, but mostly.

And i'm really shocked.

How i wish i could cry on her. Tell her what i'm feeling now. How i wish i could just seek refuge at her house, where i would maybe feel warmth and care.

At home, all i can feel is.. nothing. I see books in front of me. I see numbers going around in my head. Even when i'm about to fall asleep, i sit up, going through what i learnt that very day. Or even the day before that day..

I really think i'm losing it.

Today, i really thought i was going to have a heart-attack.

I was lying down watching mulan in my parents' room with my sister. All of a sudden, i felt my heart contract and soon, something was like holding my heart together. Some very weird feeling i've never felt before..

I couldn't breathe. I sat up.

And the pain stopped.

I quickly asked my maid how her son (who had a heart-attack and passed away) felt when he had an attack of heart-attack. She told me he said he couldn't breathe. She said that her son said it was pain.

TING*

Maybe i was going to have a heart-attack. Then why did i sit up?

SIGHS.

Anyways, i want to be a shining star in the night sky. I want to be that star because it teaches me how to live my life now.

I want to be like the star. Always so bright. Never a glimmer or a spark. It's always there.

I want to be the star because it teaches me how to be strong, even in the darkest hour. I may be the only one up there, but i'm still strong and shining brightly.

I just want to be strong. Very strong...

2005-09-08T15:43:00.000+08:00

Hmmm.. I think my eyes are a little funny. They just go where they want, even when i need them. TSK.

Even when i'm reading a blog i like reading from, they start to go really fast and i can't catch up. TSK. Something's really wrong. I just feel like punching them into my face now.

SHEESH.

There's a gig later at suntec. Whoever LOVES crossbred, please go support. I think it starts at 7pm. SIGHS! I want to go!

DARNS*

How lucky.. I've got not only one tuition tonight, but TWO.

HELL YEAH~

Bullocks. I really really want to go... I want to go see crossbred. And maybe get to see some hunkies. HAHA. Like real.. I want to walk around suntec to find some cool stuffs to buy. TSK. I haven't been shopping for like ages can?

I WANT TO SHOP!

Last week, i asked mummy whether we could go shopping during this holiday week. Just for one day. She said can. But too bad. I ain't talking to her. So i'd rather ask my dad to bring me. HAH. But too bad for me again... dad doesn't like shopping. Everyone's busy busy with their studies for PRELIM and O's. TSK.

WHERE GOT TIME TO GO OUT AND SLACK HUH?

You tell me...

SIGHS*

Go to the beach? Hmmm. Hopefully it does happen tomorrow or Saturday. I need to learn more about coasts before i go to the examination hall and i want to go to MACafe.

:)

I heard that the choco-fruit thingy's nice. But do MAC still sell those?
:\ I hope................

Busy busy busy. I woke up early today although i wanted to stay in late.. ALL BECAUSE OF THOSE STUPID PEOPLE DOING RENOVATION UNDER MY HOUSE. I think if tomorrow they wake me up again at 9plus, I'll really tear their balls out and make them scream. I'm trying to get my sleep and there they are drilling! And i've read their "notice"-thingy on the door, saying that they are to be drilling only the last three days of LAST MONTH. Don't know whether can go complain. Because if they don't stop drilling in the middle of the morning and when i'm sleeping, I'M GONNA COMPLAIN! And also, of all times, during my holidays and of all times, nearing my prelims.

This is superly shitty. Where got such luck you tell me? You just make me wanna slice you up badly. ARGH.

WHERE GOT SUCH LUCK ONE??????

Sighs. I wanna go out. I really wanna relax for ONE day. Although i've been resting for like ages already, but the stress is really getting to me lahh. Now even my eyes, don't want to listen to me. Wait my fingers too how? Then how i write?

CORRECT?

This is called zi-bi-ing. Talking to one's self.
YAY*

2005-09-05T14:13:00.000+08:00

For one second, did you even think i'd call your name like how i used to? HAH! PUH-leasee.. i wouldn't. Unless you just tear down that stucked-up face and apologize.

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE people who clearly knows what wrong they've done and yet, don't apologize. And even when the evidence of them being crystal-clear-wrong is in front of them, they just won't budge.

I tell you, i'm not going to budge either. NEVER. Over my dead body.

A test from God? Maybe. But who cares... I've tried to be the girl he wanted me to be.

A girl who'd LOVE, a girl who'd CARE, a girl who'd FORGIVE.

I tried and tried to be that very girl you wanted. But too bad... each time i get up, brush the dirt off myself, you just have to pull me right down again.

EACH AND EVERY TIME.

I don't care whether retribution comes to me. I'm sick and tired of trying to be a "goody-two-shoe".

I loved, I cared, I forgave.

What happens then?

It all comes back to haunt me..

Just go screw yourself up a tree...

I don't care what you think of me anymore. I don't care whether your up there praying that i'll respect people around me.

I WILL. Once you get all these things right.

I HATE YOU.
I REALLY DO.

I hate you for creating emotions, I hate you for creating pride.

I HATE YOU.

2005-09-04T22:15:00.000+08:00

I HATE YOU!

I HEARD WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO DO!
I LISTENED TO YOU!

I DID ALL I COULD.
I DID ALL I COULD DO WHICH WAS WITHIN MY LIMITS!
I DID WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO DO!

BUT WHAT DID I GET IN RETURN.
I SPOKE NICELY.
SHOUTED.
WAS IT ME?
I WASN'T IN THE WRONG.

SHOUTED STILL!
IT WASN'T ME!
I HATE YOU!
I HATE YOU!

YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT REAPING WHAT I SOWED.

I HATE YOU!
I DIDN'T GET WHAT I SOWED!

I DIDN'T!

I LISTENED TO YOU!
I DID!!!!
I HATE YOU!
I HATE YOU!

IF YOU DON'T TAKE ME AWAY!
I WILL DO IT MYSELF!

I HATE YOU!
I HATE YOU!
I HATE YOU!

2005-09-04T20:08:00.000+08:00

from the start,
full of lies.

naive-ness.

it got me to whr i am now...

2005-09-03T16:57:00.000+08:00

I AM SO ANGRY!

After so long, never in my life have i felt this way.

When you told me about what happened to you. I could only go so far as to console you and try to understand what it felt like. But now, i got a first-hand experience.

It not something amazing. It's something you really wish you didn't get to experience.

And now, i finally know how you felt in the past.

I need to talk to you.

It's not as a sub, it's not because i've got no one to turn to, but it's you who would totally understand what it feels like (not because it happens to you all the time, but you felt it before) and that maybe i can talk to you about it...

SIGH*

My younger brother is really getting on my nerves. One day, i will strangle him to death. One fine day. But i know, this is all just a thought. BLAH. How i wish it would come true. Maybe it'll just be a strangle. And then, that'll be all..

ARGH!

2005-09-02T16:37:00.000+08:00

HEE HEE HEE!

I AM SO EXCITED! HARRY POTTER!! THE MOVIE!!!! IT'S COMING REAL SOON!

IN NOVEMBER!

I'M SOOOOO TRILLED!!

: DD

LOOK AT THIS! ( got this again from famous blogger - XIAXUE )
hee hee! I'm SOOO happy!

http://harrypotter.warnerbros.co.uk/gobletoffire/master/index.html

TODAY'S REAL GREAT. HARRY POTTER'S SECOND TRAILER!

: D

and i found out HARRY likes 4 -- no. on his robe. :)
LOVELY~

and RON!

ooh~ he looks superly cute! MY GOSH! I can't wait either! I WANNA WATCH!
but that'll be after my O's. darns-- WHYYYYYYYYYY..........

:(

BUT NEVERMIND. i'll still chiong to watch it after O's.
: D

2005-08-24T15:20:00.000+08:00

insecurites.
weird-feelings.
weird-thoughts.
tearing.
quietness.
you pushed.
i didn't.

ABHORS.

i don't know what's wrong. tearings and thoughts. flooded my mind. gave me a mixed-up feeling. leave me alone..

i said go. you didn't. you said go i didn't. you pushed.

i'll walk away..

you don't know me.

i hate today

2005-08-20T12:03:00.000+08:00

My life's changing. And I'm the one changing everything. There'll be some I'll be keeping.. While there'll also be some I'll be throwing out.

Making my life perfect isn't what i want it to be. But at least, close to perfect.

Being happy is my main aim. Nothing more. Happiness, to me, is everything. Happy around me and in me.

:)

*

Hmmm. My previous post was too harsh and vulgur. Decided to take it off.

As for him, I've got nothing more to say already. I've done that much i could do for him. But it was me being naive only.

When we broke off, we still kept in contact. But the "contact" i'm talking about isn't really contact. In the past, i would be the one who msg him.. But slowly, i didn't as i wanted to forget him.

After weeks which seemed like years to me, he msged me again. I still had feelings for him, thus replying him and the msgs went on for a few hours. I thought that we could get back together. So i kept the feelings inside me.

TSK.

Which now seems to be a terrible mistake.. After that msging session, he would not msg me anymore. So i didn't too.

But after a few weeks again, he msged me once again. This cycle has been going on till now. And after much thinking and talkings, I've realised how naive i was. For so long...

If he'd really loved me, he wouldn't be contacting me after a few weeks. And then, after contacting me, leave me alone for weeks. This isn't called love.

To me, it's treating me as a spare.

In Sec 2, many of my friends told me i was being treated as a spare. By one of my friend now. But i've managed to get over that period as i didn't put my heart into the relationship. I did, but not as much as the relationship i had with him now.

In my previous post, which i've deleted, i said that he was the one i loved most and cherished most. It's true. To me, of course.

I tried so hard to get us back together. We did. And i was over the moon. I thought that we would last as we went through THAT much to patch back again. I was really really wrong.

For the starting few weeks, we were lovey-dovey. But after a month or so, he started to drift from me. Not meeting me, going green. That i could except as he had a wide circle of friends. But it soon became an everyday thing.

I told him that his school was a few blocks away from my house, he could drop by my house to visit or just look at me for a while. But he didn't even do so... Was i his girlfriend then? Or was i not?

I was already sadden by the fact that my boyfriend didn't want to meet me. And to add on to that, he kept scolding me. He said i was being unreasonable.

So the more we didn't meet, the more we drifted.

Finally, he initiated a break up.

After all these months, I've been clinging on to the love i had for him. I didn't want to let go as i kept thinking i could get back together with him. But i don't want to carry on like this.

My aim is to be happy. But clinging on to the love i would never have would definitely not bring me happiness.

So, I've decided to let go.

Although it's gonna hurt badly, I need to get it done. I need to forget him and move on.

I don't want to say I'll keep him deep down inside my heart anymore. I know that when i say that, I'll go soft again. I don't want to love him anymore.

And i especially don't want to be treated as a spare where I am needed only when he's too free or when he hasn't got anyone to accompany him.

I am not a spare.

He gave me happiness, but it didn't last long. But i'm still thankful i had him once.

2005-08-18T19:10:00.000+08:00

BASTARDS!

I guess.. all typical Chinese wannabe ah-bengs are the same.

DYED HAIR.
SLING BAGS
ARMY PANTS
BROKEN ENGLISH ( if spoken )
SINGLISH
CHINESE
DIALECT ( which is super irritating )

...

Seriously, i HATE HATE HATE ah-bengs. And well, ah-lians. I think they've got nothing better to do than to find trouble whether there is one or not. TSK.

Ah-bengs are all typical. Once they see a pretty girl ( which i guess it's true ), they'll be like.. "Xiao Jie, ke yi ren shi ni ma? Ke yi gei wo ni de dian hua ma?"

WA LAN EH!!

Don't make me puke can? I'm superly disgusted with these people. Not to offend any ah-bengs or ah-lians lahh. But really lahh, it REALLY disgusts me when those ah-bengs and ah-lians pick on people they think are "guai", ugly and, the most important one, "bo chap" ones.

TSK. A bunch of cowards..

Obviously, from this post, most can realise I've been picked as the "guai kia" and all other stated above.. HEH.

:)

I'm SOOO flattered.

Gosh. I think they just like having childish games and laughing at their own crude jokes. Hmmm.. I shall have to entertain them again if they do come for me.

Alright. Enough of all this CRAP and disgusting wannabes. UGH.

*

Studying all day have been making me feel crappy. It's really tiring.. Especially, if you throw in mind-games and other problems.

"wanting to bash people up" looks.
one word answers.
not even replying.

HA.

Great. Seriously.. GREAT.
So why do I care when you don't?

2005-08-17T00:23:00.000+08:00

Had Chinese tuition today. From teacher's facial expression, i could tell that she was disappointed with my marks. I thought she would already though.

HAIS.

Mumsie already showed me her disappointed look. Although she didn't scold me or anything. To add on to all these disappointing stuffs, dad cheered me up by saying, "That's good. Keep up the good work."

Does he actually know what a C5 mean? Or is he trying to cheer me up?

:(

Okay. THERE! My mark is out. You can all go hide behind a bush and laugh at me. HAHAHA.. It isn't funny. Neither is it anything to be proud of.

I'm really really sad.

Nothing can describe my feelings more than SAD.

Maybe DEPRESSED.

But I don't want to become Moaning Murtle and sob every single time someone speaks to her. I don't want to be depressed.

:(

It's tough getting by my life now. Every single day before i go to bed, in the past, I'll always think of Jesus. And somehow, still manage to have a chat with him before i doze off and go off to lalaland.

But now, he seems so far. I've told many, who had lost faith in him, to be strong. To keep on going towards him in times in need and when feeling low. I TOLD THEM.

NOW?

Ha. I'm the one walking away from him now. It seems that my effort has all gone down the drain. I know i had trust in Jesus that he would help me through my difficult times. But now, it just seems to me, a patch of black thingy. I can't even see a glimmer of light...

IT SUCKS.

I'M SO SAD.

How i wish i could go drown myself in my own blood.
How i wish i could see blood dripping down my night gown.
How i wish i could just be taken and never return again...

:(

THIS, is how I'm feeling now.
SAD and LONELY.
I can't feel you anywhere.
You seem so distant now.

I'm getting really tired.

*

I don't want to see anymore disappointing faces. I don't. I really don't...

2005-08-15T21:46:00.000+08:00

Made an extra..
Great for you ain't it?

Life hasn't been going great for me ever since i got back Chinese O level results. I know i passed. I know my marks could carry me off way better than some people out there; they too, can't wait to bash people up who cries over results which are obviously higher than them.

I just simply cannot believe i would end up with such a result. I studied. This, i can proudly stand up on a podium and say that i studied.

REALLY HARD.

Really really hard for the examination.

But what happens? Crap results. CRAP. Seriously crap.

Nothing more could pull me down already. You can go mix around with people and not tell me. It can't pull me down that much. You can get angry with me for thinking I'm thinking something which you think I'm thinking ( which I'm obviously NOT! ). You can go ahead and hurl abuses at me for all i care. I don't anymore.

Chinese O level results really came to me as a great big shock. A tidal wave. It really washed over me, made me wake up and yet, wanting to fall into deep sleep.

I don't want to think about my result. But everytime i close my eyes, the marks would just magically POP out.

I must be reading too much Harry Potter then. Maybe not, must be due to the over-doing of test for the gas, hydrogen.
HAHAHA.

I seriously can't wait for O's to come. But yet, i fear of what happens AFTER my O's. I can't think of what my parents would say when ALL my results are LOW and UGLY.

I really can't.

I must be strong.
I'm trying to be REALLY strong.
To hold back my tears.. FWAH.

*

Whatever you say, I'll just accept. I don't know how else to make you stop doing things i've already asked you not to do. I tried to tell. I told. You heard. But still...

It Goes On......

2005-08-13T18:17:00.000+08:00

I've got nothing more to say to you.
You keep bringing my spirits high ;
and all of the sudden ;
dropping it down.
So high...
So down now....

**Now it's time to face the truth;
I will never be with you**

*

I've got disappointing results for Chinese O's.
ARGH.
To think I studied my freaking guts out.
To get results which sucked totally.
Like dirt.
ARGH.

But it's okay.
I'm not going to be dejected too long.
It's pointless.
I'm gonna work hard for the results I want.

I know it's gonna be difficult.
But I've got to..
My parents are important to me.
I want them to be proud.
I want them to be able to face THEM.

I know that although THEY don't say anything, I know that they're just waiting to see the results.

I KNOW.

But I'm really happy for my friends.
I guess, although most didn't get what they wanted, at least, they did pass OR get results that was almost satisfying.

:)

Had English O level oral.
It went alright.
But come to think of it.
I really screwed up when i was answering my conversation question.
I TOTALLY contradicted myself.
I could really do with slaps right there and then.
FWAH!

I've done Chinese some serious thinking.
And now, I've REALLY got to think about my future.
yes, WA HAOW!

I want to be an Air-stewardess.
Although mumsie says it's just HIGH-CLASS waitresses;
I STILL WANT!
My aunt who worked there once;
told me it's quite easy.
Easy money for the airlines which aren't Singapore's one.
:)
Yeaa Baby~

I WANT, I WANT, I WANT WANT WANT!

*

HAPPINESS i need.
DETERMINATION i need.
PERSERVERENCE i need.
TOLERANCE i need.

goodbye~

2005-08-10T15:17:00.000+08:00

There's nothing more like a day of rest.
Without much disturbance.

:)

*

Lethargic.
HP clues.
WOW-some.

Asked to go out.
Bored ; Tired.
Decided ; HOME.

Thoughts keep running.
Trying to hold it back.
ARG-ish.

2005-08-10T00:02:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday to my country?
HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY!
Of course it was to her;
But to me, it was just simply another day passing by..

It didn't seem all so wonderful and exciting as i thought it would be. No funny thing happened, neither did anything happen which made this day memorable to me. Nothing. NADA.

All i had today was RED in me. Nothing more. Frustrations. Nothing to vent it on. Dog msged me. I didn't want to msg cause i knew i would show unhappiness and anger. And most of all, i didn't want to do it to her. I controlled my anger, jealousy, sadness the day before. I wanted to do it today, once again.

SIGH.

Realised there's so many sighing today? That shows how screwed up my face is now. So screwed up that you wouldn't even notice how bad my face was, if it's even more screwed up. YAY*

I want to vent out my anger. While studying my Physics just half-an-hour ago, I had the urge, a very strong urge to go out and take a walk. But.. heh. I was scared as it was already 11 plus. It was dark. And most importantly, I was too lazy to change out of my Tweety-Bird PJs..

:(

And now, I kinda regret because I'm feeling even more screwed up now. Talking about * and my feelings. It's getting to me lahhhh.....

Many times I felt tears rushing to my eyes. Even now.. I just feel like hiding myself in one dark corner to cry. Why can't I be strong?

ARGH.

I want someone to be there for me. To lend me a shoulder to cry and lean on. To rest my head in times of need or just, when I'm tired.. But....

:(

Take me away to a faraway land..
I just want to leave and never return.
When will my time be up?
I hope it's somewhere near...

2005-08-08T17:29:00.000+08:00

celebrations.
SPORE'S EVE.
excited, happy.
:)
yay*

bishan; swensens.
yay* once again.
soup, fries, baked rice, chicken.
ICE-CREAM!!!

:DD

slurps*

towning.
shopped for the needed things.
ESPLANADE ;
found the flower!
superly happy.

*

Things went right today. I managed to control that monster in me. I'm happy. I'm really happy..

The promise i made to myself, IT HAPPENED TODAY.

And i hope it'll go on. I hope I'll be able to control it till the very day.. I don't know what happens..

:)

OH HAPPY DAY~~

2005-08-07T21:32:00.000+08:00

I'm chatting with my long-lost friend. HAHA. No lah. Finally get a chance to see Zac online again. :) yay*
And i guess, that's the only happy thing which happened to me today...

PATHETIC.

I hate that monster in me. However hard i try to let it stay in and not let it surface. It keeps coming.. From time to time, it grows stronger.

I HATE IT.

It seems easy to share, to tell. But seriously speaking, it's not, AT ALL...

ARGH.

2005-08-06T13:32:00.000+08:00

Staring into each other ;
With no words being spoken ;
Have you ever felt it that way ;
I wish I could...

Understanding with nothing more than silence ;
The loud words of silence being spoken.
It takes its toll on the relationship ;
And brings it closer to the heart.

HEART-FELT-PAIN.

I don't want it to happen.
Not again.
It hurts ;

HISTORY ;

That's where it goes.
Into that category.
Nothing more.

Anger.
Pain.
Regrets.

ABHORS.

Go To Hell*

2005-08-05T21:59:00.000+08:00

It's here again.
SATURDAY.
One week's past.
Prelims drawing near.
Very near.
Threading on dangerous waters.
It's scary i can say.
Really...

The first question on my mind; Have you ever felt the feeling of being angry, and yet, you know you're not supposed to get angry?
:It's weird lahhhh...

I've said i'll change. And i've promised. I will.. But it's really difficult. You may think i'm as strong as always. But in fact, I'm really breaking down. It hurts to feel that way. It scares me to feel that way too.. I don't want to regret on my actions. But at that moment, my emotions seems to take it's toll on me.

:(

It's saddening. Not to be me anymore. But I'll be trying hard to turn back.. once in a while though. :)

--

Have been having tuition; Chinese and Amaths. It's been really tiring. Imagine having tuition for tues, wed, thurs and fri.. Isn't it stressful? It really is if you think it's not. TSK. It's making me go crazy. It's driving me up the wall. Sometimes, to the extent of me wanting to bang my head against the wall when i'm bathing. That's how stressful my life is now.

I don't want to regret the path i choose- my future. I want to be proud of what i choose... Really.

Tiring. Back's aching. Neck's aching. Eyes aching..
What more?

:(

There's so much more deep down, than on the surface.
It's just that you don't realise how deep it goes...

HECTIC LIFE

2005-08-02T21:34:00.000+08:00

Life has been really hectic.

I don't have time to blog that often, neither do i even have time to shit quietly without panicking on what i need to study after i come out from the bathroom.

:
It sucks you know?

Like duh... When your shitting, and all you ever wanted was some peace and quiet apart from the reckless world outside your toilet door, nothing but nagging from your brain gets to you. Seriously, this is what studying for an important examination does to you. It makes you talk to yourself. And soon, it'll be bonkers. Really bonkers... The Ministry of Education should really start considering cutting down on that much IMPORTANT examinations.. TSK.

PRESSURE.

B likes singing... "FREEDOM! FREEDOM!! FREEDOM!!!"
But to me, it goes this way... "PRESSURE! PRESSURE!! PRESSURE!!!"

Yeah man. It sucks lahh. Thinking of the upcoming O's, it really scares me. I'm not prepared, neither am i ready to get back my results next year. It's still far, as some idiots might say. But i'm really gonna pee on my pants if time doesn't stop. Okay. Here i pee..........

-.-"

I'm trying to get myself to be more relaxed now... WHY? Cause i needta shit!! I'm desperately trying to force out my shit, but when does it ever come out? In school... of all places.. The freaking school toilet on the 4th floor.

Okays. I think i'm gonna hide in the toilet with my Harry Potter; 5th book. YAY*

*

Things will often be left unsaid.
From the way things are now;
My only wish is to see the smile,
The smile i once saw when we were strangers.

:)

Time changes things.
Time changes people.
But that doesn't stop me from changing my views on people who have darn right pissed me off.
BLEAH!

2005-07-28T21:13:00.000+08:00

Tiring day, that's all i can describe my day.
It wasn't as good as i thought it would turn out to be.. but it had to keep on going. I'm glad i didn't do the unexpected today. I'm glad...
:)

How much more do we, taking our O's, have to endure. It's sickening to wake up every single day, counting down to our freaking O's while staring at the whiteboard in front.. Counting down day by day, it really freaks me out.

Yes yes, i haven't forgotten..

IT'S PEH PEH'S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
:DD

Wasn't able to do the plan we intended to carry out. Shall not elaborate further, lest it makes a spark in me go off. TSK. Althought that hiccup occurred, it still didn't stop my ever-so-caring partner from racking her brain and putting much effort into the "party" for peh peh.

SHE WAS COOL...

Most of us stayed back for Geog. Man, it was tedious. Fancy staring at the minute map-figures. Not only for one paper, but TWO! I was really tired by then. Tired to even whining came about. To add on to my tiredness. The lai-ang-ing. HEH.

TIRING DAY IT SEEMS.

The party was carried out. But heard from the others that peh peh's parents weren't too happy about us delaying peh peh's time. That's one BIG hiccup. Hope peh peh didn't get into any trouble.

B's* mumsie's birthday's also today. Hope it goes well too.. they must be having dinner by now. Or maybe, done with it already. Tomorrow they'll be going to Ritz to have a dinner. So JEALOUS! Haha...

Hope it goes well too for B. :)

*

I want so much more, but i know that there's a limit. A limit to where things will become un-right..

It's been a tiring day. I don't want to have anything more to do with all these.. I'm going deep into thoughts for Dumbledore only.

HOW I MISS HIM - Dumbledore.
:(

2005-07-27T20:02:00.000+08:00

oh yes!
the website i found, from Xiaxue's blog.
interesting.
it makes me keep my hopes high.
:)

i hope, i hope.....

www.dumbledoreisnotdead.com

:DD

let's all keep our fingers crossed.
DUMBLEDORE- HOW I LOVE YOU!

HOW COULD IT HAPPEN?

2005-07-27T19:18:00.000+08:00

The same as ALL the other Harry Potter fans out there. My sympathy goes out to all those who loved dumbledore with all his wisdom and kind-heartedness. I too, fell in love with dumbledore, the headmaster in Book 6.

And i cried like shit, when i found out how dumbledore died... It saddened me like it was someone close to me who had died.

TSK.

How could the best headmaster and almost the most powerful wizard ( aside from Lord Voldermort ) DIE???!!!???!??!?!?!

Seriously, it just ended like that. With Dumbledore BEGGING Severus Snape to help him.. It ended so tragically. I literally sobbed my eyes out.. And when i realised Dumbledore drank all that green liquid down, when all the fightings settled down, and Harry knelt down beside Dumbledore and realised the locket they had acquired from the cave was a FAKE!, i nearly blew off my eyes.. I was freaking crying even more like a mad woman then.. So saddening.

Woke up and went to school with really obvious double-eyelids as ah dog puts it.. Seriously, the death of Dumbledore occurred to me like he was someone i knew, someone i cared for. It felt so real. I know to other's, they would think it's dumb and all. But it really felt that way..

And when i washed my face that night, got up onto my bed.. i remembered that i had asked Jesus to take someone close to me away, i wanted to experience how it was like to lose someone. But by then, i straight away prayed that Jesus would let me take back my words. Even up till now, when i think back on the death of Dumbledore, i get sad.

I don't know why either.. don't ask me......

It's just weird. I've never felt like this before.. other than crying over "a walk to remember" and some comic book thingy.. I've never cried and felt so deeply moved and greatly sadden.

I just hope, what i read from a website, would be true about Book 7.

OHH DUMBLEDORE, how i miss you so.....
:(

2005-07-26T16:26:00.000+08:00

How time flies.. in a blink of an eye, it's freaking JULY! Soon it'll be August. And then September... blah blah.

HELP!!

My O's. I freaking need that cert or i'll be doomed. I try. I try so hard.. but sometimes, the returns isn't that all fantastic. I really wished i could just have albert's brain for just on the days i take my papers. SOBS*

Did some maths sums on POLYGONS. Did managed to complete all except two questions. Am i good or just good? But guess what, there was only 14 questions. HAHA!

Shall be doing geog or social studies later on at night, IF i've got the energy to do so. And whether or not i get carried away reading HARRY POTTER. ( It's SOOOO exciting! haha..... -.-" )

Mrs Ng said that most of the whole group looked tired. Always tired nowadays. like... DUH. Of course we would be tired due to all those piling up worksheets and loads of revision we've got to do.. TSK.

TEACHERS.

Sometimes i like her. But sometimes, i just want to get my parang out of my bag and whack her hard... How can we not be tired when there's so much of things we've yet to complete?

ROAR!

How i wish O's would come faster.. But still, how i wish O's could come a little later.... Why does time seem to pass really fast?

:(

It worries me. It worries me that i'll not be able to cope with the stress. It worries me that i'll be taking my O's in a few months time and not being fully prepared.

HOW?

TELL ME HOW?

:
I'm scared. Really......

LOVE MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND

2005-07-25T18:50:00.000+08:00

How true.
LOVE MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND.

How do you feel when you are loved, by anyone.
Be it your family members, your friends, or even, if you have one, your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Love is so strong, really strong. It'll make a person wait. It'll makes a person go crazy. LOVE. Such a strong word with such overpowering strength.

I admire those who takes things slowly at a time, without any haste in getting things done as soon as possible. Cause, I can't. I'd only rush through my stuffs and... It'll turn out to be all wrong.

Things has always turned a 180degree on me. ALWAYS. Everytime i think it's all fine and happy, it suddenly change. I can't accept the fact that i've got to grow up. I've got to learn to stand on my own two feet. I need love and care too. I can't always be giving my love and care to people...

I think you should only know, that now.. I'm tired and wanting to give up on everything. I'm tired of being tolerating. I can't always stay happy anymore. Not when i'm under the influence of people around showing attitudes.

NO. I can't keep a happy face. Not for long.

BUT!
I'm trying to change once again. I want to try being happy EVERYDAY. I want to try being the one who gives love and care to the people around me. Without complaining that I'm always the one. I want to learn more. I want to follow a certain someone's footsteps...

I WANT TO CHANGE MY ATTITUDE TOWARDS MY LIFE!
I WANT TO CHANGE!!!!!!

:)

And i will really try. I PROMISE.

*

Though, i might be closing down this blog...
:(

2005-07-23T18:17:00.000+08:00

written last night.
blogger was trying to be funny with me then.
TSK.

friday night - 12 plus i guess.
It feels weird to have someone caring for you and yet hiding things from you. Doesn't it feel that it contradicting? Doesn't it feel so much so like betrayal?

How I wish I could go back to being the "old me". I want to be happy and I mean, real happy. Instead of faking it all out.

Don't give me false hopes when the words you say doesn't even mean anything to you. Don't try to please me by staying by my side when you've got more important things to attend to. Don't try to come close to me when all I get is "important" stuffs from you.

I really don't see why it's like this. Pretending and more. Why can't life be simple. Although it'll be boring. I don't see what's wrong with simplicity. SIMPLE LIFE. Just like what Paris and Nicole went through. A simple life. TOGETHER. But I just don't seem to feel together anymore.

You know what I feel? It's not the same kind of thing anymore. Not anymore..

How can I be happy when I know that everyday there's someone there who's always talking to you and getting closer and closer to you. Do you know how that feels? I try and try not to be affected. All due to sensitivity.. it still gets to me. I don't get it.

How could someone know that something's wrong, and yet ask about that something? How could that someone be so cruel. That question really whacked me hard. From the start, when I heard of all those rumours ( or maybe not ), I already had the "not-so-good-impression".. and I guess.

THIS.

It made me feel even more like a fool to believe you again and again. Thinking you are oh, so wonderful. To my surprise, I realize that you are not that great after all.

I don't wish to discriminate ( like what the girl said in the apprentice ) anyone. But I just wish to write out what I feel. From now on, my blog will be my world of freedom. Where I blog what I feel, where I speak my mind, openly and without worries that I'll be called names. I don't bother. Many bloggers have had their names discriminated against - just for blogging about people around them or, things that happens around them. Or worse, THEIR OWN LIFE. For such, they get slandered. I don't wish to open up to anyone out there anymore. It hurts. How many times have I repeated that? Hmmm... COUNTLESS of times, I can say. I've got best friends. You ask? Why can't I tell them. You ask again?

I want to tell. I want to open up. But I can't. I've said it before. I'm not like before anymore. I get hurt freaking easily now.. it hurts to know that people have hurt me before. I can't let go of that fear so easily now.

I know I'm not the only one getting hurt. But why must it have to be me? Why can't hurt, go bother someone stronger than me? WHY ME? Some say that by thinking I'm the ONLY one being hurt, that's just a fucked thinking.

NO.

I'm not thinking I'm the ONLY one being hurt. I'm just trying to say, why does it have to be me? I hate being hurt. I hate feeling sensitive. I hate feeling sad, and yet, having to put on a strong front.

I will not cry ; because I'm strong.

This has been going on in my head for months. This has been the only source of encouragement for me to continue my life. It really has done a part in my life..

For those who think it's just a stupid sentence from a stupid show, go screw yourself up a tree. I like that sentence. And it's my own thinking. So what for YOU bother.

Why are tears streaming down now?

You seem so close to me. But, I just feel that it's all out of sympathy. Out of fear that it'll hurt both. I don't want any then. I just want to have a
-TRUEBLUEFRIEND-

Secrets and more. To find out that there's more beneath all those once said, it tells a whole lot more...

Bottom line : IT HURTS

*

somehow, that's the end of all those sharing and fun. To end all laughters with a simple clap, to end the night with one final bow. Packing up, walking straight along the crooked path.. just to reach my final destination.

THE DEAD END.

----

today
It's been bothering me for the past few days, ever since things went right. But I'm not going to bother much either, because it seems, it doesn't bother a certain someone either. It's just hello-and-bye.

It'll be this way all throughout. Until some things take a sudden turn.

FORGET IT AND MOVE ON.

Easy to say ; why not you try it?

I miss the old times, the fun times. Where there wasn't much worries, neither troubles.

But I guess, it's gone deep down into the ground. And it would.. I guess, not come up back again like how plants "pop" out from the ground.

LIAR.

2005-07-22T18:19:00.000+08:00

school was alright.
SMILED.
:)

had lit aft school.
was kinda fun.
doing a part of the essay ;
heard band playing.
sad to say..
alwys the same song.
:boring.
( sorry bf. really what....... )
literally ran out to watch band.
somehow found the band really small.
TSK.

went to AMK.
had KUAY CHAP!
guess whr...
SUSAN'S DAD'S STORE!
wa lau.
super shoik.
super nice.
had tau suan as well.
YUMMILICIOUS.
:)
oh well.
gained a few pounds.
but worth it lahhh...
HEE.

days are passing.
exams are nearing.
wouldn't time stop.
i've yet to complete studying.
:
SAVE ME...

PS : i got my burfday presie from bf and assy. lovely bikini. pink yellow white orange.

YAY*